I was still in contact with my father when I first went away to university.  I’m not sure why but I think it was rooted in a sense of familial duty.

Because even after everything he had done, he was still my father.

And I loved him.

It wasn’t until further into my freshman year that I finally cut off contact.  (Until that point, I spoke with him every couple of weeks.)

One day, as he was in the middle of a they’ve-done-me-wrong-monologue I realized that I simply couldn’t remember anything positive.  Every conversation was a merry-go-round of health complaints, work related negativity, and a litany of poor me’s.

He was using me as a mental toilet, a dumping ground for his emotional crap and negativity.  And he was expecting me to take it, to wallow in it with him, to validate his point of view.

I stopped him mid sentence and asked “Dad, do you have anything positive to say to me?”  And when he told me ‘no’, I said “Ok, well I have to go.”  And I did.

For years.

Physical v. Emotional Abuse

One thing people don’t understand about abuse is the idea that emotional abuse is almost always worse than physical abuse.  The terror is rooted in their emotional behavior towards us.  Behavior that menaces, that diminishes us to nothing.  Darkness that bruises our soul.

It is the emotional component that makes us believe that we deserve to be treated like that.  And mistreated physically.

Yet we are so casual about accepting negativity in our own lives.

How negative is negative?

When someone belittles, berates, or constantly criticizes, it is because they feel that they are entitled to treat us this way.  That they are allowed to minimize us.

These people are bullies.

If someone hits you once, is that physical abuse?  Or do you just assume they’ve had a bad day?  Of course not!  But if someone makes a nasty comment, we usually brush it off…or worse, a little piece of our heart listens and accepts.

The Truth

If we have no sense of self, no ego to protect, words could never harm us.

Cultivating a connection with the truth comes a spiritual knowing that this darkness can only harm us if we accept it and on this level comes the understanding that we are choosing to be in pain.

It’s knowledge rooted in the realization that negativity is about the giver, that it is the hurt in their being yearning to be expressed.

A Deeper Truth

We are not separate.
We are never alone.
We are infinitely connected in ways we have yet to fully understand.

If we are so connected, does it serve the collective ‘us’ to participate in this muted hating?  Even if the bullet causes us no damage?

Or, as mindful beings, do we stand and act as a focal point…as a mirror?  And lovingly create and opportunity for growth?

Me

This is something that, quite honestly, I’ve struggled to reach an understanding with and Erin’s comment nailed on “Marriage on The Brink“

How could you detach and not take comments personally? How could you remain positive?

Maybe you can “just be”.

Try to find something to be grateful for in your situation.

Finally, try some meditation (I like centering prayer) to let go of your anger.

Is anger bad?  Even when it’s justified?  Is it simply a manifestation of emotional pain, a signal from your heart that something is broken?  Is it neutral, neither good nor bad, until you act on it?  Or is anger itself violent?

As an adult, my strategy has been simply to disengage from any situations that would press those buttons.  So I’ve sidestepped the environments in which I would be angry, instead of directly connecting with it.

But feeling trapped in Tennessee gave me nowhere to go.

‘Should’

I knew that I should forgive my father yet it was a process that I wrestled with for the better part of two decades.  I ‘dealt’ with it time and time again, thinking that I had attained the peace of mind and heart that I had been searching for.

Only to be struck with the realization that I hadn’t.

I’d feint and retreat, approach from another angle try again.  I felt like an artist with a piece of clay.  The clay needed to be, but each approach created something other than what it was.  Yet I was still called to bring it into being.

So I don’t know how long I’ll be dancing with anger…it could be another two decades before I can really grok what it needs to be.

Claim Your Power

At it’s most basic, negativity is simply suppressed anger.  Negativity negates – it refuses to act, to consent – it contradicts and stands in opposition to.

It is a passive aggressive emotion expressed by those who feel powerless.

Whether or not anger itself is faulty, refusing to acknowledge the reality of our experiences impedes living fully and authentically.  And while striving for perfection is admirable, it is important to be honest with ourselves about where we really are in relation to our goal.

And from the truth comes our power.