FYI, this is a totally personal post and not really related to self-improvement or personal development in general.  If you are looking for tips on dealing with a marriage on the brink, may I suggest Simple Marriage.

For those of you who don’t know, last June Chris and I picked up and relocated to 10 miles outside of Jackson, Tennessee.  Why?  His mother was diagnosed with a rare form of liver cancer and given 8 months to live.

There is a connection between Chris and his mother, a deep well of love and respect and something else I can’t quite place my finger on…something on a soul level.

Our purpose in going was to give Chris and his mother the opportunity to be in each others’ presence until she passed.  My purpose in being there, instead of staying in Raleigh, was to emotionally support Chris through what would be an undoubtedly agonizing time for him.

At least, that was the plan.

While she is not out of the woods by any means, his mother’s cancer is in remission!

And while that is spectacular news, it also completely changed the dynamic for why we were there.

And it also brought up THE ISSUE in our marriage.  Not just once but over and over again.  THE ISSUE is the reason I almost called off our wedding the night before.  THE ISSUE is the reason that, sometimes in the dead of night, I wonder if I made a mistake in marrying him.

It’s better manageable in the clear light of day but I have to confess that I have been extremely angry these past 6 months.  Connecting with inner awesome was beyond challenging and not being able to dance (my connection to source) further damaged my calm.

I have not been living or growing or connecting, I have been fully occupied with keeping my thoughts, opinion, and anger to myself.  To be fair, some of it has slipped through the cracks and I’d dream of being able to say exactly what’s on my mind to the people here.

So when I spoke to our house sitters on Saturday, I can’t tell you how heart breakingly happy I was.  The walls of the Love Bungalow are painted, new floors installed, kittens ready to be adored.  And I am ready to be home.

His mother wants him to stay and has mentioned it on more than one occasion.  But if anything is clear to me, it’s that I absolutely cannot.  I am not ready or able, nor do I desire to make the kind of concessions it would take to live here.  And if I’m fully honest with myself, I could never integrate into his family dynamic.

I have spent my entire life seeking the truth, identifying and solving problems.  It’s how I handled child abuse.  The foster home.  Embracing darkness with a plan and the determination to carry it out.

His family leaves negativity unacknowledged, as if it will go away if they all ignore it.  Ugly things are said under the guise of teasing and affection.  No one is held accountable for their actions, no matter how heinous.

I fundamentally disagree with their entire family culture and I’m in a position where I can say nothing about it, nor can I stand up for myself or my husband.

There are so many ’shoulds’ floating around that I can barely breathe.  Their expectations and mine so wholly in opposition, on matters I never imagined before we came, that the atmosphere is stifling.

And I’ve been listening to the litany of “that’s just how they are” for the last six months.

Raleigh is not only my home, it’s come to symbolize everything I believe about rocking an incredible life.  How we choose the people we allow in our lives.  That we choose how we want to be treated.  We are the architect and engineer of our phenomenal experience.

When I left the legal field, I promised myself that never again would I place myself in a position where things were so wrong and the balance of power so shifted that I could never speak up.  And yet, I did it all over again, even if it was with the best intentions.

Above feeling stupid, I feel guilty.  I wonder if only I was a better person, more enlightened, maybe I could have been the daughter-in-law they were expecting.  That I could have sucked it up and cooked and cleaned for the entire family, that I could ignore the spiteful comments and subtle digs.  That I could eliminate the urge to stand up for myself and my husband.

But, for better or for worse, I am not that person.

And yet I am still so angry.  What I am capable of doing was completely unappreciated.  The comprehensive legal advice, the hours spent reorganizing his mother’s office, the constant picking up in the kitchen, undertaking massive shopping trips because it is inconvenient and takes two hours and they have better things to do than shop for essentials.

Not to mention that Chris even wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t completely rearranged our lives.

Because that’s what I do, I identify problems and then solve them.  (And usually manage to organize something along the way.)  I study human nature…even if I don’t like what I find.  Even if it’s me.

The truth is that I don’t like what I’ve been since I’ve been here.  And I don’t like what Chris has been since he’s been here.  Watching him fit right into the culture of “there’s no problem if we all ignore it” has greatly diminished my opinion of and respect for him.

Watching is killing little pieces of me.

And this is exactly how people fall out of love with their partners.  One doubting thought, one negative opinion at a time.  Each “Is this the kind of father he will be?”

So I’m faced with a choice.

His mother is not out of the woods by any means and she loves having him here.  Do I leave without him?  And maybe time spent apart will make the heart grow fonder?  Or will that simply be the final nail in the coffin.

Or do I bring him back with me?  Knowing that I will never come back to this place?  Or will a broken dynamic be exacerbated with no one else in the picture.

I want to leave without him but in my heart I know that’s the ‘angry’ choice.  Like by abandoning him physically, he’ll understand how he abandoned me emotionally.

Yet, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the wrong choice, simply a case of making the right choice for the wrong reason.

All I know is that if I had a time machine, I would completely undo the last 6 months.