Unfortunately we can’t always avoid the people who are driving us crazy. Frequently it’s family and often a child or significant other, but at some point we are going to need to be able to handle a rational discussion with a person who is pressing our buttons!
There’s a secret to handling this intense emotional stress, a secret that journalists the world over are familiar with.
It’s called “the interview”.
In order to probe for the truth, journalists need to maintain their objectivity. In doing so, they maintain an inquisitive, nonjudgmental state which allows them to gather information objectively!
Why? Because people can tell when they’re in trouble, when you’re emotionally invested, or going for the kill and it is during those times that they either shut down or get aggressive.
And neither of those reactions are helpful when investigating the truth.
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I have used the interviewing technique to great success with my husband! But it is also a critical skill for working with children because it follows up with who, what, where, when, why, and how.
You know, specifics!
Adults often assume that they understand what a child understands when given information or instructions. This really couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I was kid, for example, my dentist asked “Do you chew ice?” I didn’t regularly chomp on ice cubes but I just happened to do it for the first time the week before.
I couldn’t tell him “no” because clearly I had very recently gnawed on some ice. So I said “yes”, not realizing that he was asking me if I habitually chewed ice!
If only he had followed up his original question with “How often?” or “Why do you like to chew ice?” he would have quickly discovered that it was a one time event and he would have had a discussion with my father about bruxism. (Also known as excessive grinding or clenching of the teeth.)
Instead my dentist assumed that I knew what he was asking without digging any deeper.
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The truth is that sometimes you’ll need facts more than you’ll need to get upset. Like if there’s an accident. Or if you’re researching a project…
This weekend my father revealed a lot of heavy things including how and why he almost killed me as a baby, as well as the full lowdown on the crazy in my parents’ relationship. We also discussed the night he tried to kill me as a teenager and let’s just say that saying we had a difference of opinion is putting it rather mildly.
Yet I didn’t lose my cool!
Because the whole idea behind an interview is that through getting the facts you can get to the truth.
6 comments
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October 13, 2009 at 2:34 pm
mssc54
Really good info here. Sounds like you have a very “interesting” weekend. Also I think it is important to note (especially in a marriage relationship) that although we receive information from one party the other party is likely to have a much different account of the “facts.” Much like you did regarding your father’s accounting of his actions and the excuses/reasons for them.
hayden tompkins says:
To be honest, I was very surprised. He had a completely different rationale for why he flipped out. For instance, he spent a lot of time talking about how I “thought he was nuts” or “was really angry” when in actuality these are simply his assumptions about my state of mind. But the odd thing was how important these assumptions were to him. His interpretation of my emotional states were, as far as he was concerned, a “fact” and a crucial reason for why he lost his temper.
It does make me wonder how often people in relationships assume they know what the other person is thinking and feeling.
October 15, 2009 at 2:49 am
vakadesign
Argh… the mind-reading. I’ll never understand it.
October 13, 2009 at 4:24 pm
vakadesign
Oy, what a weekend it sounds like you had. I’m sure your head is chewing on everything, but kudos for staying cool!
My youngest has a bit of a temper, and I am always working with him on staying calm. So much of that has to do with not getting overly invested in what is happening, ie, like a journalist!
Someone once told me that it’s only the things that control us which really upset us, and I think that’s true. Part of not getting upset is remembering our own power. Family is always tricky because while we might no longer be under our parents control, it takes so long to really feel our autonomy down to our toes, doesn’t it?
hayden tompkins says:
Keeping an objective viewpoint is sooo helpful when dealing with stressful situations. I really like how you tie that into “power”, we really do have a choice when it comes to our emotional responses.
October 13, 2009 at 11:41 pm
marlajayne
I’m still amazed that you can talk so calmly about these issues with the very man who caused such pain.
hayden tompkins says:
It took a long time to get to a place where it wasn’t personal, where I could see past my pain to his. It doesn’t mean we’ll be having any family get-togethers though!
October 14, 2009 at 1:39 am
nat @ book, line, and sinker
sounds like you and your father are making some progress? or at least hashing things out? i hope it’s working for you.
as for the technique…i use it daily with the kids. they love to ‘lie by omission’, so i have to be on the top of my game!
hayden tompkins says:
Nooo…I don’t know that I’d call it making some progress. I’m still of the belief that leaving him to his own devices is probably the best way to go.
P.S. High school students would! Honestly, you have to be a lawyer sometimes.
October 29, 2009 at 6:32 pm
janice | Sharing the Journey
What a weekend! At least you’ve got to a stage where you can step back and observe your relationship with him, like watching a film. It’s a good place to be because you can press delete.
As a coach, what’s helped me keep my cool is imagining it’s a coaching session being recorded for a certification exam, or imagining my kids behaving as badly as me, and later citing my bad behaviour/anger/nastiness as their ‘inspiration’.
hayden tompkins says:
That sounds effective!
A long time ago I made the decision that he was no longer my dad. Biological father, yes. Dad, no. It has made a remarkable difference in how I interact with him when I choose to interact with him.