Unfortunately, not every parent is supportive of their child.  Especially if that child excels in “their” particular domain.

Photo by freeparking

Photo by freeparking

Envy can manifest as a simple lack of support (withholding “earned” compliments and appreciation), as well as more serious and manipulative actions.

It is extremely important to understand that parent envy isn’t about you.

Parent envy takes many different forms. In my own life, for example, it has been the benchmark of my relationship with my mother.  When I visited her last, within the day she had cut her hair (mine was short) and within the week she had ‘adopted’ my fashion style.

This is the same women, upon being told by her cocaine addicted boyfriend that we should have a threesome, who got mad at me.  (For the record, I hadn’t done anything but be 16 years old and in his presence.)

“Come on” he said, “it’ll be like two Karens!”

Parent envy does not need to be extreme to be hurtful. My father, for instance, was completely supportive of my interest in dance.  He was not supportive in the slightest, however, of my interest in singing.

As a classically trained musician, I thought that he would be the first to support and cheer me on yet I did not realize that I had unwittingly tread upon ‘his’ territory.

My focused attention to nuance and pitch and tone and breath elicited absolutely nothing.  My vocal bodacity (7 octaves, baby!) for naught.  I may as well have been caterwauling.

Realize that your parents are not perfect. This can be a great challenge.  Our parents are our guides, our teachers.  We love and respect and trust them, often giving them great deference.  When they withhold their love, we feel as if we are to blame.

One of the steps in a parent-child relationship is the child’s pulling away, of setting new boundaries, of seeing and accepting that their parent is not a god.  They are human beings with everything that entails.

They’ll make mistakes and act in their own interests and lose their temper.  They’ll disappoint you as often as they’ll inspire you.

Know that none of it has to do with you. Their fear and insecurity is about their own stuff, you just happen to be in their sphere of influence.

Each person in your life interacts with you differently.  Every friendship is unique, every romance is different…even your relationship with your parents will differ with each parent.

Each person is perceiving you through their own filters and experiences.

You are not crazy. The problem with parent envy is that it is often very subtle and hard to explain to others.  They might think you are exaggerating or overreacting, oversensitive, irrational or imagining things.

You might start to second-guess yourself and be “better”.  But, frankly, it’s a little like low-key racism or sexism…no one really believes it exists unless it happens to them.  It can be that subtle.

Keep contact light. If the parent envy is very specific (like my dad and singing) then you can simply look elsewhere for support in this area.  Don’t mention the offending topic or engage them in any way about it.  Just excise it from your relationship.  If they ask, be vague.

If the parent envy is general (as in the case of my mother) keep your general contact light.  In this instance, they like you a whole lot better when you are nowhere around.  (When you are absent, you are a testament to their awesome.  When you are present, you are a direct challenge to it.)

In addition to being absent, I give my mother as little information as possible.  Vague is a fantastic strategy in this instance as well.

Before I learned to be vague, my mother also wanted a law degree and started her own blog.  Now I usually talk about Chris because my husband does not activate her “parent envy”.

Search for other avenues of more positive, unbiased feedback. (Or positively biased feedback!)  Be they a mentor, a tutor, or a really good friend, have someone in your life whose sense of self-esteem has nothing to do with you.

Remind yourself that they have their own journey. Accept them as they are and recognize that this behavior will not likely change.  They may never tell you how proud of you they are.

But even if their inner fears will not let them admit it, know that they are proud of you.  In their deepest heart they love, appreciate, and celebrate you.