Most people believe that candy is bad for you. (I may or may not be one of these people.) But some candy goes beyond being bad for you. Some candy is toxic from pure awfulness.
Photo by Mateoutah
Most people would probably be tempted by something like candy corn or Almond Joy as the worst candy ever, but at least they are edible. No, I am talking about seemingly innocuous nasty.
THE WORST CANDY in the history of mankind has to be black licorice.
The Horror
Black licorice sure sounds innocent and they masquerade as Twizzlers, pinwheels, or gaily colored little allsorts. But don’t be fooled! Black licorice is demonspawn.
Did you know that “licorice” actually means “sweet root”? Which is a perversion of the English language because the implication of “sweet” is “delicious” and that is certainly not the case here.
Photo by {eclaire}
Also, according to Wikipedia, “its active principle is glycyrrhizin, a sweetener more than 50 times as sweet as sucrose which also has pharmaceutical effects”. So not only is licorice nasty, but it’s worse than sugar. And it’s basically a drug.
Friend’s don’t let friends get high on licorice!
Licorice has been used as a medicinal agent for hundreds of years and today we use licorice in cough syrup. Is cough syrup delicious? I rest my case. Wait, no I don’t. It actually gets worse.
Licorice puts hair on your chest!
In the movie “Willow”, Madmartigan keeps trying to give the baby, Elora Danan, something called “black root”. Now you and I both know that it was actually licorice he was trying foist on that poor, unsuspecting baby.
Let’s listen to the sinister exchange, shall we?
Willow: What are you doing?
Madmartigan: I found some blackroot. She loves it.
Willow: Blackroot? I’m the father of two children. You never, ever give a baby blackroot.
Madmartigan: Well my mother raised me on blackroot. It’s good for you. It put’s hair on your chest, doesn’t it, Sticks?
Willow: Her name is not Sticks! She’s Alora Dannen, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she’s gonna want is a hairy chest!
Hair! On your chest! There’s enough hair in the Love Bungalow, thank you very much.
21 comments
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June 3, 2009 at 2:47 pm
vanessaleighsblog
That would explain the addiction of mine to both black licorice twizzlers, black jelly beans and good and plenty. The drug factor. I kid you not.
When I was quitting smoking thirteen years ago, I craved black licorice flavor so badly that I was eating good and plenty almost daily. I absolutely adore black licorice, and get bummed out every Easter when we can’t easily find black jellybeans.
My other faves are sweet tarts, sour patch kids, and candy corn………
hayden tompkins says:
Holy cow! Since I’ve never been a smoker, I’ve never had to try to quit. Even so, I hear it’s extremely difficult. So mad props to you, WOW. In light of these extenuating circumstances, I think a “pass” as to the licorice is in order. 10,000 times better than cigarettes!
June 3, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Night Writer
First you go dissing my cilantro and now you take shots at my black licorice? (Actually “black” is the only licorice, despite what Twizzlers might have you believe; strawberry, cherry or chocolate are not licorice flavors.)
I was the weird kid who loved licorice; all my friends didn’t like it so I happily took their black jujubes, jellybeans, Necco wafers and the like. Good ‘N Plenty? Never plentiful enough to suit me. None of my family likes real licorice either so I can consume a bag of black Twizzlers at my leisure while a bag of chocolate ones are gone in an hour. I’m also alone in my liking for sorghum and molasses. Maybe there’s something about me that’s drawn to sweets that are dark and somewhat bitter (I also prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate).
What? Why, yes, I do have quite a bit of hair on my chest. Why do you ask?
hayden tompkins says:
Hilarious, but I’m not touching that with a 10 foot pole!
I truly, sincerely, never meant to cast aspersions on your most beloved herb! I tend to give short shrift to anything that isn’t basil. I confess, I’m plantist! But I never said cilantro was bad, just that I didn’t care about it. (Would it make you sad if I told you that I don’t care about sorghum or molasses either? Don’t be sad, Nightwriter!) I guess my heart’s already taken. The plus side is that probably means lots more cilantro for you!
June 4, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Night Writer
Yay! More cilantro for me. And sorghum. And molasses! Just don’t try to horde the dark chocolate.
Btw, when I was in the U.K. in my college days I discovered that their “black” candies are not licorice-flavored! Oh no, it’s something called cassis, which I think is supposed to be a berry, but it’s wretched stuff (it might as well have been Marmite). It was almost as startling a revelation as discovering that bright yellow mustard in the bowl doesn’t have the same properties as that friendly bottle of French’s on the kitchen table back home.
June 3, 2009 at 2:59 pm
positivelypresent
I HATE licorice, but, interestingly every guy I’ve dated AND my dad like it. I don’t understand it. But at least I’ve had plenty of opportunities to give my black jelly beans away!
Now, I’m down with hating licorice but candy corns are a TOTALLY different story! Who do you think you are, talking about them that way? Grouping them with LICORICE? Hahaha. JK. But seriously. I. Love. Candy. Corns. LOVE.
PS – Your last comment on my site had me absolutely dying laughing. Seriously, it was hilarious. I was in bed checking my emails and when I read your comment I instantly burst out laughing…and started craving a roll from Golden Corral…
hayden tompkins says:
I don’t actually dislike candy corn. The only problem with candy corn (for me) is that (1) it’s not chocolate and (2) I can only eat so much I get sick of it. (Did I mention it’s not chocolate??)
June 3, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Marc - WelshScribe
Amen to that!
I HATE licorice. And my chest is devoid of hair.
QED
hayden tompkins says:
HILARIOUS.
June 3, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Lindsey
WILLOW!
That’s all.
hayden tompkins says:
YES!
June 3, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Stephanie of Stopbouncing
blllleeecchhhhhh!
hayden tompkins says:
I couldn’t have possibly said it better myself!
June 3, 2009 at 7:13 pm
connie
I can’t eat fennel b/c it tastes too much like licorice. Who ever though licorice was a treat??? Yucko!
hayden tompkins says:
And anise! I should just throw my anise out (I can’t imagine why I bought it in the first place) since I never touch it!
June 3, 2009 at 8:04 pm
kerri
Great post. I too hate black licorice. Red licorice is another story entirely.
My candy post is here
hayden tompkins says:
Red licorice?
June 3, 2009 at 9:38 pm
thedailydish
I’m w/ Vanessa & Night Writer — LOVE LOVE LOVE licorice!!!! I also adore Sambuca = licorice sugar syrup liquor. Strong as hell too.. MMMMmmmmm. Sammmbucccaaaa….
hayden tompkins says:
To borrow Stephanie’s sentiments, blllleeecchhhhhh! You probably like Goldschlager too! {SHUDDER}
June 4, 2009 at 1:20 am
susan
Finally someone warns the world about black licorice! Loved, loved, loved the comparison to demonspawn!
hayden tompkins says:
Comparison? I meant that for real!
June 4, 2009 at 3:22 am
curlywurlygurly
ewwwwww! i detest, despise, abhor, and HATE licorice. even the name sucks. seriously.
as always, your post was hilarious–demonspawn?!–instant classic. i never knew just how evil licorice was–the whole drug angle, not to mention the hairy chest situation!
the worst part–the cute little colorful licorice–they try to PRETEND to be yummy…and they are NOT NOT NOT.
A+ for your assignment, hayden! thanks for playing along.
hayden tompkins says:
WOOHOO, A+! {happy dance}
June 4, 2009 at 4:00 am
jenefur
I concur. Black Licorice = a whole lot of nasty. Blech.
hayden tompkins says:
Yes!
June 4, 2009 at 5:07 am
Nicole J. Butler
Hilarious!! People do have strong reactions to black licorice, don’t they? they either LOVE or HATE it. I LURVE it. Twizzlers, Good n’ Plenty, I even buy a bag of black jellybeans at Easter.
I DON’T like those little ones with the multi-colored pasty-tasting candy on top, though.
hayden tompkins says:
Boy, you licorice lovers are committed. I had no idea that there would be so much passion for this candy! I mean, you still like chocolate…right?
June 4, 2009 at 5:50 am
June Theme Posting: Welcome to Candyland! « Curly Wurly Gurly
[...] Hayden at Through The Illusion discusses her aversion to licorice. [...]
June 4, 2009 at 2:53 pm
thedailydish
ooooh love those allsorts (the little colorful ones), but boy are they expensive!
PS: I do like goldschlager too! But that’s for a whole other reason!
June 4, 2009 at 3:06 pm
pannonica
Yes on black licorice. If I could buy jellybeans in black and white only (my two favorites and everyone else’s least favorites) I would. And then I’d be in trouble, Gorging myself. See Hayden, I think it’s a good thing if a large amount of a candy makes you sick; sort of like an inborn weightgain defense mechanism.
Yes on sambuca too! I prefer the “original” clear version to the darker “black” style. Goldschláger is okay, it’s mildly cinnamon flavored, but those little flakes of gold leaf push it a tad into the gimmicky arena. Best use of edible gold leaf was at my no-longer-extant, favorite, sentimentally-significant sushi place. [Sheds a tear.]
hayden tompkins says:
Believe me, I understand. It is always hard parting from one’s favorite sushi restaurant. I’ve had to do it twice and if I ever go back to that city it is the first thing on the itinerary.
June 4, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Mr. Nuggets
If black licorice puts hair on the chest, apparently I haven’t eaten enough. OMG…This explains EVERYTHING!
) …except the Love Bungalow, which sounds quite intriguing.
Thanks for the fun read!
hayden tompkins says:
I should write a post, “How to Put More Hair on Your Chest” assuming, of course, that that’s what people actually want!
June 4, 2009 at 4:56 pm
sammy25
OMG I almost wrote my post on black licorice…you are right it is truly awful. My stomach rolls just thinking about it….I know a ton of people who go crazy over black licorice…I think they are all ADDICTED to it…thankfully neither you nor I are……we were the lucky ones! Great post!!!
hayden tompkins says:
Truer words were never spoken; I do feel pretty lucky!
October 27, 2009 at 12:54 am
Squawkfox » Halloween Costumes, Recipes, and Frugal Fun Oh My!
[...] Candy So Awful It Puts Hair on Your Chest | Through The Illusion [...]
December 21, 2009 at 5:45 pm
seanstargazer
I effing hate black licorice. Baskin Robbins used to sell black licorice ice cream. I don’t understand people who love this stuff!! Yuck!
hayden tompkins says:
Blech! They made that into an ice cream? {shudder}