Anyone who has been in a relationship knows. Sometimes you just want to break something or scream or get some dang alone time.
And while there are loads of people looking for the perfect “get-a-relationship” tips or “spice-up-your-relationship” pointers, the “rock-your-relationship” basics are largely overlooked.
Hence, breaking dishes.
So what, dear god, is the basic relationship necessity? The thing that, if you have it nailed, means better sex? The thing that, if you do it before you get married, means you won’t spend a seeming eternity in marital hell?
Communication
Wait! Come back! I’m not talking about 4 hour mega-marathon sessions of round-and-round lectures of why you do everything wrong. (That is not communication, more like a verbal siege.)
If you manage to get a handle on communication in your relationship, you can circumvent hours of banging your head on a wall and head-off all kinds of unpleasantness.
The Usual Error
“The Usual Error” is a book written by Pace and Kyeli of The Usual Error Project.
So named because of the usual error everyone makes: the assumption that people are just like you and, as such, think like you do and do things for the reasons you would.
There’s a reason why the most common complaint men have about women “…is that women complain all the time and don’t want to do anything about it…Men misunderstand the ritual nature of women’s complaining.“
Why? The ‘usual error’ strikes again.
Why We Don’t Understand Each Other and 34 Ways To Make it Better
The book is short (at about 185 pages) and divided up into easily digestible chunks. Nestled within in each chapter is usually a story to illustrate the point of the chapter.
…like this completely realistic WTF moment:
Michelle: “Hi, how are you doing honey?” (He’s on a business trip.)
Anthony: “I’m having a great trip! I’m having a lot of fun and enjoying myself a lot!”
Michelle: (holding back tears) “So you’re happier without having me around, is that it?!”
Anthony: “What? Where did that come from? Why are you upset? You are the one who wanted me to go on this trip.”
…but I communicate just fine!
As I was working my way through “The Usual Error“, I would scribble something down so I could refer to it in my review.
My preliminary notes look something like this:
1. nails
2. “am I pregnant” discussion
3. you know you’re being a good listener when you have no attention to spare for judging
4. permission vs. consideration
5. when you take responsibility for others, you take responsibility from others
6. Fierce!
7. voodoo doll = perception page 58!!!
8. WILLIAM JAMES EFFECT
9. verbal AIKIDO!!!
You’ll notice that my notations become increasingly crazy person-esque, what with the all caps and gratuitous exclamation marks. (Just an aside, I am totally busted on the William James Effect.)
Top Secret!!!
One of the things that struck me right between the eyes was the voodoo doll analogy from page 58.
I don’t know if I am allowed to share this but – since I have this book in my hot little hands and I am just dying to share it – I am going to share it anyway!
The person saying those hurtful words isn’t actually talking about you. They’re talking about their perception of you, filtered through their own issues, paradigm, and opinions. These opinions often fluctuate when anger takes control.
It’s like a little voodoo doll created to look vaguely like you.
When the person says hurtful things, they’re not directly hurting you. They’re making statements about their concept of you, which is often very different from the actual you. They’re sticking pins in that voodoo doll and you’re saying “Ouch!” but it only hurts if you believe the voodoo doll is actually you.
Practical Communication
I’ll be putting some of the things I learned from “The Usual Error” into practice immediately. (Something for which Chris is probably eternally grateful!)
Too be honest, I’m a little surprised I liked the book as much as I did. I tend to find discussions about communication very dry and, dare I say, exceedingly boring. (I mean talking about talking. Blech!)
The book, however, is very charmingly illustrated (by some guy named Martin Whitmore who is the man) and it is totally engaging. (Did I mention Martin Whitmore illlustrated a pile of poop? And made it hilarious??)
Good times.
3 comments
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January 29, 2009 at 9:24 pm
ianpeatey
A follow up post in a couple of weeks written by Chris would be just great. He could tell us about how you put it into practice he can tell us just how grateful he is. Would he be up for that? And you?
I’ll stop here before I get carried away and start to tell you what to write about. Don’t you just hate it when people do that? Lol
PS I love the voodoo doll concept … very helpful.
hayden tompkins says:
It’s a good idea. We are picking the areas we want to work on over the next several weeks. It’ll be interesting to see what he suggests!
January 29, 2009 at 10:17 pm
How To Rock Your Relationship: Hayden Tompkins’s review of The Usual Error | Pace and Kyeli
[...] Hayden Tompkins of Through The Illusion has posted a review of our book, The Usual Error, that totally rocks our socks. Here it is! [...]
January 30, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Megan M.
ROFL! This is a great review! And yes, I agree that Marty’s poop illustration is excellent. Wow, I never thought I’d say THAT in someone’s comments…
hayden tompkins says:
Never thought I’d WRITE about poop either!