We recently spent a whole week with my in-laws. A. Whole. Week.
Insert head here.
It was only the fact that I respect Chris’s mother immensely that I kept myself in check. That, and the fact that I don’t believe in going into someone else’s home and laying verbal waste to their guests.
I kept asking Chris, “How does this not bother you??“
“I dunno” he said, “I guess I’m just used to it. That’s just how so-and-so is.”
When I first met Chris, he was surrounded by some really crappy friends. I don’t mean that these people were bad or ‘crappy’ people, just that they were crappy friends. And the crap didn’t stop there either. He also had a history of some spectacularly crappy girlfriends.
One girlfriend moved back in with her husband without telling him. Surprises all around!
Another girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend, got pregnant, dumped the best friend, came back to have Chris walk her through the pregnancy (he even named the baby), and when she gave birth she then dumped him to go back to the best friend.
But she, and the best friend, both still wanted to be friends with him. Separately, of course, and without each others’ knowledge.
Stories like this drove me insane. How could he let people do this to him?
I got my answer during my week at the family compound. I spent all week listening to “That’s just how so-and-so is.”
Even when the topic of racism came up, ala the Obama election, the response was “That’s just how he is”. Then I got a lecture from a family member on how I should just get used to racism because that’s just how some people feel. No use getting angry about it.
And I’m torn. Advanced spirituality would be to accept people exactly as they are, with understanding and love. To face those who vex or anger me with an open heart. To allow them to be exactly as they are.
And yet, I can’t do it.
Clearly, the key to my happiness has been my ability to be in control of my life. I choose who I associate with. I never feel obligated to spend time with anyone. And, for the most part, I say exactly what I mean.
I realized that my relationship with my father was better than I had ever realized. Because I can be totally honest with him…no matter what. Where I was mostly biting my tongue this week, with him I could have been completely honest. And my father would have understood. If we are to truly change this country, change this world, we cannot stand and be silent when those around us are ignorant and hateful.
He would have understood that we cannot let racism stand. He would understand that race is truly an illusion, that it has no meaning except that which we ascribe to it.
I learned several things about my husband that week.
First and foremost is that, subconsciously, he feels that if he cuts someone out of his life he is passing judgment on them – that they are ‘bad’. And though I explained that ‘bad’ and ‘bad for you’ are two totally different concepts, and he agrees and understands, rewriting the subconscious takes more than one conversation.
Second, I learned that he is loathe to set boundaries because he doesn’t take anything personally. If someone treats him like he is incompetent, he just considers it a character quirk. “That’s just how so-and-so is. I know the truth.”
While it may be advanced spirituality to accept everyone as they are, to so divorce yourself from your ego that no slight or offense is personal, the truth is that I am not that advanced. At least, not when it comes to my husband or my family. And I’m not entirely sure I want to be that advanced either.
People should stand up to bullies, should decry those who take their pride at the expense of others, and should check those who would treat them as less than.
The illusion is that we are separate beings, separate hearts – that we are other. But the truth is that we are one. No one of us is greater than or less than another because we are equal, though not identical. To allow anyone to treat another person as though they are less than is to allow a lie to stand.
Perhaps advanced spirituality is not to let the lie stand unspoken, unchallenged, but to reveal the lie with love and understanding. Either way, I clearly have more work to do.
Um, but after I get him to check his family.
18 comments
Comments feed for this article
November 10, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Betsy
Hi Hayden – Sunlight is the best disinfectant, always.
I, too, am the difficult child-in-law because I’m not passive. I’m not afraid to confront. So, somehow this translates within the family that I get to be the one to do all the uncomfortable stuff. So now I just choose my battles and limit opportunities for crappy behavior as much as possible.
Not even Jesus let some things be acceptable, though. We don’t have to be as evolved as He, either.
hayden tompkins says:
LOL, true that!
One thing I am convinced of, however, is that someone would simply set boundaries in the first place – things wouldn’t get out of hand. For example, I can’t *poof* make someone unracist – but someone could say “That language isn’t welcome in this house.” You aren’t telling anyone what to think, merely setting boundaries about your personal space.
November 10, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Oktober Five
This reminds me of your ubuntu post, and that what we do to one we do to ourselves and to all. A tug on this side of the rope is felt all the way down the line, and we all move in sync. I think there is something to be said about those he would tug back when the rope is moving the wrong way. I don’t think there is room for zealous eccentricity because that only gets the pendulum swinging harder. It’s the calming, peace-making, equalizing sort of “tugs” that are needed, and that’s a hard skill to aquire.
hayden tompkins says:
I think Gandhi is probably a pretty good example of this. Even if the results were anything but, he always effected a ‘gentle’ activism.
November 10, 2008 at 10:07 pm
mssc54
@ Hayden; “While it may be advanced spirituality to accept everyone as they are,”
Really living that way is not that “spiritually advanced.” Being “spiritually advanced” (I think) would be talking to them about their racism without losing your cool. Then, in spite of their rigid stance, let them know that their choice is just that… a choice. They can choose to be different.
As for Chris. Imagine you and Chris have this beautiful little baby son. Would you both be willing to expose your baby son to such a toxic environment?
These are the kind of things that need to be ironed out before children are brought into the home.
Sigh.
hayden tompkins says:
Luckily it is not his mom (who I ADORE) who was racist. It was an Uncle, which means the ‘damage’ is fairly mitigated as I have almost never seen him. (And hope to keep it that way!) Unfortunately, however, it was also only an example of some of what I was dealing with this weekend as there were other issues.
November 10, 2008 at 10:55 pm
graham
Ah, shucks! mssc54 stole my comment!
I suspect that an advanced spirituality – as much as that phrase means anything – is more than focused on me as an individual. Surely it has to take in family, society and world. So, if someone is living in a way that hurts them or others, then it can’t be advanced to stand by and ignore it. As connected beings, we owe each other more than that.
Oh, nice blog, btw.
hayden tompkins says:
Thank you!
I do think that being spiritually advanced means being able to watch everything we do with love and compassion, without interfering. Like God-level spirituality. And I’ve noticed that the more spiritually advanced people get, the less concerned they are about the wrongdoings of another.
Sometimes I feel less than adequate because I care so much, and other times I think “Well someone’s got to!”
November 10, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Amber
You know Hayden, being just a tad bit older, a few more grays … I do have a slightly different view. See, I was just like your Chris for alot of years. I accepted people in my family for “how they were”. I excused their poor behavior, I sloughed it off, even when it was pointed towards me. Over and over and over again. I did not choose to live like them, but I allowed this behavior in my presence and instead of standing up to it, I was silent. I looked away. I did nothing as they cast evils on the world with the bile they spit out with their ignorance. It made me just as guilty as they were. I was guilty of doing nothing.
I am now ashamed. Horrified. Stunned.
David, made me so proud. My brothers were in my home one day, acting as they always did, and he finally had it. They were screaming and cussing and treating ME with disrespect. They were doing this whilst my mother was lying in the hospital dying. On Mothers day. Seriously. He finally had the breaking point. He threw them out of our home. He said, “If you can’t respect MY WIFE and MY HOME and my MOTHER IN LAW you are not welcome here”. And although he weight 160 soaking wet with zero muscles (think white boy geek) and my two brothers are HUGE blue collar 230 lb sold muscle rip your head off street fighters…. they left. He stood his ground like a man. That is what it truly means to stand up for what is right Hayden. Even when it hurts to do that.
I have had zero relationship with my brothers really since then… I don’t speak to either one of them by my choice now. And you know what? That is a good thing. Because I am no longer sitting back and allowing them to poison my life, David’s life, and everyone else’s life. My mother has chosen to continue. But she is an adult and that is seriously up to her.
What your husband chooses is up to him. What are you going to choose?
hayden tompkins says:
Go David!
Well, I’d like to say that this isn’t really about racism. The issue – really – is setting boundaries and establishing that he is not the lesser of anyone there. And that isn’t my issue, it’s his. I will do everything in my power to encourage him to take that step, but ultimately he has to take it. I will, however, always pay rapt attention to how people treat my Beloved and am there as backup.
November 10, 2008 at 11:21 pm
thedailydish
Hayden, this could not possibly be more ON TOPIC for me.
My dad is visiting from Atlanta, and made the decision to travel here & back w/ one of his good friends (whose daughter lives here as well). On Saturday, my dad’s friend was waiting here at our house for his daughter to pick him up after work. We were chatting when the topic of the election surfaced. In normal circumstances (AKA, were I at someone else’s home) I would have bitten my tongue and simply listened to what was being said w/out responding. BUT being that I was in my own house, where my OBAMA banner should alert others as to my feelings, and the level of PASSION I HOLD ABOUT THOSE FEELINGS, I spoke my mind. Not only did i speak my mind, but I SPOKE MY MIND. Things got heated. And ugly. I finally asked my dad and his friend to leave. Which they did.
My dad returned a couple hours later, sans friend, and apologized for the uncomfortable situation. I responded that it wasn’t his fault. My dad was in the room checking his email, but he was not involved in the conversation. As for the “debate” – there’s not much to say. My dad’s friend and I are not buddies. We will never be buddies I am sure. But that’s okay. We are all adults, and we have differences of opinion. What I perceive as racism and ignorance, may be something else to someone w/ different experience. And I will not let the fight color my relationship w my dad, whom I love dearly.
My father, when he returned, said it is a good thing to be so passionate about one’s political beliefs, and that it’s a shame more people aren’t.
hayden tompkins says:
Well, when it came to politics, I was treated like I was stupid and ignorant…WHICH I AM NOT. This person didn’t even bother to debate, he just snorted derisively at everything I said. But then again, this is also the person, when asked “Who won?” responded with “The nigger.” So if he thinks I am stupid, that’s probably a compliment.
And politics shouldn’t have even been brought up, except that Chris has one family member who actually likes to instigate arguments and purposefully tries to get people upset so he can sit there in amusement. He thinks that if he can get someone upset that he has ‘won’ somehow.
I really prefer not to hang out with folks who act like this. It just kills my happy love-fest and then I feel incompetant for ‘letting’ someone else ruin my mood. I was…grumpy…and ill-tempered for the last 4 of our 7 days there. That’s why I don’t let anyone in the Love Bungalow who isn’t a love muffin, family or no.
November 11, 2008 at 12:48 am
Laurie
Hayden, I have lived in your shoes for 24 years now. My in laws are very difficult, racist and bottom line…crazy. For years I put up with their behavior because when I stood up to them, they ended up taking it out on my hub. It put him in the middle, a very hard place to be when you love all the parties involved. Then, like I said in your last post, they moved up the street after living 800 miles away. So now the hub and I have an understanding. If we are at their house and they start in on the racist stuff, we get up and leave immediately. We don’t really day why, they aren’t that stupid. If they are at our house the hub tells them they are being raciest. then they feel uncomfortable and leave.
Like the comment above, you really have to pick your battles. Your choice in their territory is to stay or leave. You will not change them, believe me I have tried. You will only create situations that will bring you discomfort and problems with your hub. They are, after all, his family and he dos love them with all their flaws. So let him visit them without you if you need to. That would be the differentiated thing to do.
hayden tompkins says:
Laurie, I firmly believe that he IS in the middle. It is his job to check his family and it is my job to check mine. No one likes outsiders who come in and ‘pitch a fit’. It has to come from spouse whose family it is.
I am in control, however, of whether we go to see them. And I’ve made clear after this fiasco, that if we are ever to go there again, he had better be ready to set boundaries with his family. Because we aren’t going up there until I am confident that he can do that.
It seems like you have come to a workable solutions in your situation. But it looks like it is in part because your husband is setting boundaries with his people.
November 11, 2008 at 2:00 am
curlywurlygurly
leave it to you, hayden, to write about something so difficult so well. your post has sparked some interesting comments. each of us have different ‘boiling’ points–the point when we just can’t take another word–before we have to stand up and say something.
i feel that most intolerant people are set in their ways and only 1/2 listen to what other people have to say anyway. these people aren’t listening to your perspective when you’re speaking…they are too busy formulating their retort.
though it’s difficult to try and impart tolerance, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, though. good luck!
hayden tompkins says:
Well, I was just blown away by the racist comments.
My minister, the one who married us in front of all his family, is black. The man who walked me down the aisle, is black. My best friend/ex-boyfriend, who was there, is Indian. My dearest friends, Brandon and Blake, are black. My oldest friend, Yamil, is hispanic. My step-father is of strong Mexican descent. I could go on, but the gist of it is that my side of the wedding looked like a Colors of Benneton commercial.
Anyone who went to our wedding should know that I am clearly not their intended audience for racist remarks.
It isn’t as if I went into someone’s house that had a white power flag and starting going off. I was at his Mom’s house when someone who didn’t even live there started with it.
But, to be fair, I was already upset before this happened, so it was basically icing on a really crappy cake at that point.
November 11, 2008 at 11:56 am
SanityFound
Some hard core issues, agreed there should be a balance – understanding the whys but not accepting the whats, if that makes any sense… good luck!
hayden tompkins says:
Thank you! It makes perfect sense.
November 11, 2008 at 4:21 pm
vanessaleighsblog
Hey girl:
I used to think that it was okay for each of us to have our own opinion, even if that was derogatory or outright hostile…….. I think part of that was my own fear to confront issues that I knew would be uncomfortable; issues in terms of the biggies: race, sexual orientation, religion, politics, etc. I was fearful to speak with my own voice, and potentially make waves, which I knew would happen since my way of thinking is very different from my family, and some of my friends in the past. Nowhere was that hardest than in my own family setting.
However, luckily, I found my voice in the last couple of years. And, I now am no longer to speak my mind and my heart. For to accept another’s ignorance is not just or fair, it is unreasonable, without setting boundaries and limits. It is also necessary because I believe that we owe it to others to give them accurate information, if their opinions are based in the fact that they have faulty info. Sure, they may not listen or change their minds, but at least we have tried to educate and enlighten. And, we have served justice by advocating for others.
This is Ubuntu. For sure. It is why I am a trainer, and why if it is done to one of mine, it is done to me.
hayden tompkins says:
Vanessa, that is just beautifully stated. Thank you.
November 11, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Laurie
Hayden, you said that “we” are going back until…. How can you be in control of your hub going? You can control whether or not you go but why would you attempt to control whether or not HE goes? Just have him go without you. When they ask why you didn’t come, he can be honest.
You can’t control your hub and to attempted to do so will not turn out well. He needs to make his own choices as to whether the offensiveness of his family is beyond what he’ll ignore in order to see them. He is an adult and can make his own choices. How would you feel if he forbade you from seeing your family because he didn’t like their behavior, something you were use too? Would you feel like you were being treated like a child?
hayden tompkins says:
The simple fact is that I do control whether we see them because, so far, it’s been on my initiative that we’ve gone. He’s seen more of his family, since we’ve been together, than he ever saw of them before.
Edit: And the situation would never happen with my family, because I check them. Instantly. As such, my family has never stepped over any lines. That is why it is so vital that each spouse set boundaries with their families. If my husband ever told me that he was uncomfortable with something my family did, I would address it immediately. And if my family were not to respect those boundaries, we would not go back.
November 11, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Pace
Hayden,
Well said. We talked about boundaries a lot in the Communication for the Holidays course, and I’m sure we’ll talk about them a lot more, because they’re super important.
Your post reminds me of my own internal tension between inner work and outer work. I believe strongly in becoming more internally and spiritually advanced, and I also believe strongly in making the world a better place. I’ve struggled with this tension for many years and I’ve eventually come to the conclusion that my spiritual path is not an ascetic or solipsistic one. It’s not one that focuses on a hereafter or any sort of supernatural or otherworldly concerns. My path focuses on this world, the one we live in.
I too believe that we are all one — here and now. Not that our souls, now separate, will eventually join together in some other place. I believe that we are all one in this world. My path is to share this awareness with others.
However, no one can do self-work for you. No one can introspect for you. No one can do spiritual growth on your behalf. It has to come from within and can’t be forced down your throat. So running around and telling people “We are all one!” isn’t going to do a lot of good, because most people aren’t in a place to listen.
So my path is to pave the way for others to follow their own spiritual paths. To do this, I do my best to be a model, to be the change I want to see. I’m also working on making the world a better place, so that others will be free to pursue their own paths of personal and spiritual growth. People stuck in the ghettoes aren’t free to do that. People caught up in hate, war, and racism aren’t free to do that. People stuck in the control paradigm aren’t free to do that.
So I’m helping bring about a paradigm shift, from a control paradigm to a connection paradigm. For instance, I’m teaching communication skills, to help people connect with each other (and themselves!) more authentically. In the connection paradigm, people are free to pursue their own paths of personal and spiritual growth. And that sounds like a pretty awesome paradigm to me. (:
hayden tompkins says:
If this is indicative of what your holiday course is like, it sounds amazing. I especially like your clarification between ‘inner and outer work’.
November 11, 2008 at 7:17 pm
pannonica
Just to be a little superficial here, “That’s just the way so-and-so is” shouldn’t be construed as tolerance.
-pithypann
hayden tompkins says:
Hm. What would you call it?
November 13, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Kip de Moll
My inlaws have bestowed a wonderful sense of welcome while smiling tolerantly, knowing “that’s just the way he is.” We accept the differences, understands that each thinks they “know” better, and keep the focus on nieces and nephews and football scores.
I agree with Pace that we teach best by example, tolerating the differences between others and remaining clear in ourselves, living our own truth without compromise.
That we have elected a black man to the White House without talking about the implications until after the election is testament to the fact that more and more people are advancing spiritually. Let’s keep up the good work!
hayden tompkins says:
Maybe it’s just me, but I think I am the only person who doesn’t consider Obama black…I mean I do. But I don’t. I think of him as bi-racial. You know what, I’ll just stop now.
Yay, love!
November 13, 2008 at 8:59 pm
About time too! | Think Happy!
[...] Dealing With In-Laws Without Losing My Mind [...]
November 13, 2008 at 9:03 pm
graham
Thanks for your response, Hayden. However, I still disagree.
You said, ‘And I’ve noticed that the more spiritually advanced people get, the less concerned they are about the wrongdoings of another.’
Perhaps we see different people as spiritually advanced, but weren’t Gandhi, the Buddha, Jesus and others concerned about the unhelpful actions of others? Maybe they were beyond condemning other people for their actions – or writing them off as beyond ’salvation’ – but I don’t see them as indifferent to them.
I would have thought that spiritually advanced people are more aware of the connection that we all share and that I can hurt you as much as you hurt me, but that in doing so we are hurting ourselves. How then could they not possible want to work with others to help them beyond their self-harming ways?
hayden tompkins says:
While it is true that they stood up for injustice, for the most part they picked the injustice they would speak out on. Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., for example, didn’t really speak up on women’s issues or child abuse. I don’t think for a minute that they didn’t care about other types of suffering, but they didn’t condemn every person for every wrong action.
They had to interact with people who fell short of personal perfection. Otherwise they would have been very lonely people.
Yet to interact with all those people- lovingly, with understanding and care – I do think it takes an advanced kind of spirituality to do that. If we look at the example of Jesus specifically, he spent much time in the company of prostitutes and lepers without condemning them. I’m not saying he didn’t condemn people, especially at the temple of the money changers, but he didn’t condemn everyone.
November 14, 2008 at 12:47 am
pannonica
Damn, I was hoping I could get away with a bit of glibness. Now I have to defend my statement. I dare not say that it isn’t the “right” kind of tolerance because that’s such a no-no…
Acquiescence?
hayden tompkins says:
Sounds reasonable to me.
November 17, 2008 at 5:57 pm
We are all one. Not in the hereafter, but in this world, here and now. | Pace and Kyeli
[...] about a topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately: communicating with your in-laws. But her post got me thinking about it from a different perspective. It got me thinking about my spiritual path [...]