How to Overcome Jealousy

It can strike at any time.  We’re happy, loving life, just going about our day and then wham!  The green-eyed monster hops on board for a ride.

Most of us can shake him off long enough to offer our heartfelt congratulations and best wishes; to celebrate with the unknowing provocateur of our inner demons. 

But later it creeps up on us. 

That nagging doubt, that feeling of insecurity.  That instant of outrage, which is gone as quickly as it descends.  All we are left with is “Why isn’t that me?”

Class Reunion Nightmare?

I went to school with a talented class of people.  By no means was I the funniest, the smartest, the prettiest, the highest achiever, or the most talented. 

I was a lesser Leonardo Da Vinci, my talents ranged wide but not deep. 

My writing was above average.  As was my singing, though it could be almost excellent if I worked at it.  My debate skills were more a matter of picking apart the argument of the other.  People more often succumbed to my personal conviction and renting of their inconsistencies, rather than my counter-argument.  I have since discovered that I am not particularly adept in online forums.

I imagined, as all teenagers are wont to do, a future so bright that I was blinded to reality.  In that future I saw greatness.

In this age of digital connectivity, I have had the opportunity to reconnect with many of my friends.  Friends who have gone to Harvard and Yale.  Friends who are now doctors and attorneys, molecular biologists and founders of non-profit organizations.  Friends who make more money, friends who travel more, friends who are ‘making a difference’.

It’s enough to give a gal a quarterlife crisis!

You have not met the man until you have walked in his shoes.

Yesterday we had a visitor to the Love Bungalow. 

And while I was worried about the house being only half-painted, that I hadn’t had a chance to do more than pickup, and that I wanted to make sure we made a good impression - he  was experiencing a moment of envy.

Pangs of regret.

Wishing he owned a home.  Wondering why he couldn’t work remotely.  Hating the fact that it seems so easy for everyone but him.

The Secret of Jealousy

We are jealous of others because they remind us of our regrets; our own unmet dreams and ambitions.  It’s not about how successful you are, but about how successful you aren’t.

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What’s a Green-Eyed Person to Do?

1.  Keep the big picture in mind.

Life is not about making the most money or becoming the most famous.  You cannot take it when you go and the only people worried about leaving a ‘legacy’ are those who know they have indeed left nothing of value.

You’d be surprised in how your vision of success may not have anything to do with fame and fortune.  Clarity of vision will let you realize what you truly value in life.  Is it significance?  Freedom?  Community?  It is from your core value that you can create your personal vision of the future.

When you meet someone rich and envy strikes, pay attention!  Are you envious of their money?  Standing in the community?  Their freedom?  It is in that direction to which you must turn.

2.  Have the life you want.

Envy of others means that you do not yet have the life you desire.  That, subconsciously, you do not feel that life is still possible for you.

The problem is that we are still reaching for someone else’s vision of success.  If you have clarified your vision, you are aware of your core values, you can craft the life you really want.  From the ground up.

If, as in my case, you value freedom above all else – you can start small.  Free yourself from as much of your schedule as possible.  Don’t continue to add responsibilities to your plate that make you feel trapped.  Instead of saying “yes” to everything, start saying “I’ll think about it”. 

Starting small will create a snowball, a continuity of change.

3.  Surround yourself with people who are better than you.

Sounds counter-intuitive, I know.  The thing is that you have to remember that life is not a competition and that even if it were, you are the only one who is scoring.  Additionally, there is no fully quantitative method of scoring.  Money?  Not everyone values money.  Fame?  I am pretty sure “Joe The Plumber” wouldn’t agree.

Let me put it this way.  If Warren Buffet offered to be your friend, would you say “no”?!  You’d be crazy person.  A crazy person who would have no opportunities to learn from a master or have the benefit of his connections and passion.

[Mr. Buffet, if you are listening, you are more than welcome  to be my friend.  I promise I don't want stock tips; I actually don't care for stocks.  I do care, however, about how much of a badass parent you are.  About what an uber responsible, awesome person you are.  Seriously, I could marinate in your awesomeness and throw a little sass your way.  

Just think about it.  I'd take you to a skating rink and we'd skate on quads and fall down laughing and talk disparagingly about the youth of today.  Good times!]

4.  Make decisions from a place of personal integrity.

The truth of the matter is that regret will eat at you regardless of whether someone inspires envy in you.  Decisions avoided.  Opportunities not taken.  Traveling the road of security instead of the highway of passion.

Living from integrity means living fearlessly.  Having the strength to look deep in your heart and then go even deeper.  Living in integrity means living authentically.  Having the courage to be exactly who you are instead of who you think you should be.

When you make decisions from this place, take action from this place, open your heart even further from this place – how could you possibly regret the path of your life? 

5.  Open your eyes to the truth.

Deep satisfaction is to be had when you let go of the facade that we are separate.  That another is ‘an other’ and not a mirror of your soul or an opportunity for growth.  When you look past the puppet theater to the reality of our oneness of being, you look past a reality in which we are separate beings in competition with each other.

The success of another is your success.  Their accomplishment is your accomplishment.  Instead of shrinking from a world that reminds you of your mediocrity, you can expand and embrace a world that gives you yet another opportunity to live fully and love others.