Get dragged out of your delicious dreams by the infernal beeping of your alarm clock. Flail wildly in the direction of the snooze button. Get just enough ’snooze’ to make it feel like you have 10 lb. sandbags over each eye.
Be addicted to coffee just to function.
Don’t have anything ready. Scramble at the last minute to get out the door a mere ten minutes late. Attempt to make up your time in traffic. Have any progress made impeded by a 55 year old woman who will only drive as fast as her age. Mentally curse her as you drive like a maniac to try and get around her only to be stuck behind a guy driving a dump truck. Imagine yourself with a bazooka.
Breathe a sigh of relief as you get to work. Except that you hate work. Attempt sneaking to your desk to avoid your boss, whom you don’t like, and your coworkers, whom you really don’t like. Putz around trying to do just enough work to keep people from bothering you. Bah!
Run a mental monologue of just how idiotic these morons are. You hate her voice, hate his tie, hate those TPS reports, and really hate when they stand around discussing politics. Ignorant bastards.
Be a clock watcher. Don’t even wait until 5:00pm. Sneak out around 4:53pm. Tell yourself you are sticking it to the man. Get stuck in traffic on the way home. Mull over just how much you hate this ‘Murphy’. Get home as quickly as possible. There you’ll be safe.
Eat some crap from the microwave. Do it, preferably, while watching cable news. Ignore your family. Grunt occassionally to let them know you are alive.
Think about how life was so much better in your youth. The streets were cleaner, hearts were purer, and politicians were honest. Tell yourself that if only you hadn’t settled, if only you hadn’t married the person you did, you wouldn’t have to work this crap job. Emotionally disconnect from your spouse. Blame them for everything.
Tell yourself and anyone who will listen that this is how life is…one big giant turd. Only death will set you free. Until then, spend your time ‘enlightening’ the people around you as to why this is. Wonder why the three friends you have are so freaking negative. Engage in bitch sessions with them anyway.
Don’t ever expose yourself to any ideas to the contrary. Don’t even take the chance by trying to increase your education. Only frequent websites that mirror your beliefs exactly. Anyone who says otherwise must be told what a stupid, ignorant, name-calling asshole they are. Identify the enemy – anyone who thinks, looks, or acts differently then you.
Stay on the computer all night. It has the added benefit of keeping those needy, whiny kids away from you. Go to bed with only 4 hours to spare. Wonder why the nightmare that is your life won’t end.
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Being comprehensibly miserable isn’t for poseurs. You really have to work to perfect your art. If you’d like to explore additional ways to incorporate misery into your life, check out the comments. Based on Tim Brownson’s Ways To Be Miserable Video, Hunter Nuttall is trying to spread misery sponsoring a contest. May the most miserable win!
18 comments
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September 1, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Hunter Nuttall
Fantastic! Anything that mentions TPS reports or their cover sheets wins my approval, and the rest is terrific as well. Good luck!
hayden tompkins says:
That’s so funny, my husband also got a kick from the TPS report reference. Thank you!
September 1, 2008 at 7:24 pm
daffy
I sooooo want a bazooka!
Isn’t it ironic… we race around like loonies to get somewhere we don’t really like going and really, what’s the worst thing that can happen by being late?
I loved this Hayden, it has such fantastic pace that once you have finished reading it, you feel out of breath!
hayden tompkins says:
Yes, I have to be honest. I have occassionally wished for a bazooka while on the highway!
September 1, 2008 at 7:27 pm
SanityFound
This is incredible *bows* wow there really are some great tips in here, I almost want to get a few of these lines printed onto t-shirts reverse psychology style!
hayden tompkins says:
Mine would say “Morning people can’t be trusted.” LOL
September 1, 2008 at 8:38 pm
froggywoogie
A saint man came on the Earth, 2000 years ago, to save all of us from our sins.
Hayden, are you the new One? This is so perfectly described I think you are our Savior from misery.
hayden tompkins says:
All I have to say is, Froggywoogie, there is no spoon.
September 1, 2008 at 9:37 pm
hunny girl
When I read that, it felt like all the positive energy was sucked right out of me (such great writing Hayden!)…oh boy…I hope I never get to that point >_<. How does that old saying go? Misery loves company? Aaaagghhh I hope I never come across any of those people…I’ve been fortunate so far *knocks wood*.
hayden tompkins says:
I’ll knock some wood for you!
September 2, 2008 at 12:04 am
curlywurlygurly
i’m so glad i love my job and spouse. he even helps me clean up when i make a HUGE mess trying to make dinner.
(tonight it was creamy orzo and panko encrusted chicken…)
sometimes i’m guilty of the morning ‘rush’ syndrome…but only because i’m burning the midnight oil creating interesting lessons and assignments..lol.
hayden tompkins says:
My ideal schedule wouldn’t have me working until noon!
September 2, 2008 at 12:30 am
mssc54
I rather enjoy my time in my automible.
I attended a management seminar some hears ago that encouraged us to use that time to listen to learning or motivational tapes/CDs.
Enrole in “Automobile University.”
hayden tompkins says:
That is a GREAT idea. When I am biking, I’ll have 2 hours a day to kill.
September 2, 2008 at 4:47 am
donstuff
Well, I could relate to the story, but just not lately.
I am living a blessed life. I get to drop my son off at school on my way to work. Although I commute over an hour each way, my drive is on a mountain road (through pine trees) and I only spend about a quarter of the drive on freeways (I also listen to audio books while driving). I really like what I do and come home to a family I enjoy spending time with. I do, probably, spend too much time on the computer in the evenings, but I’ve addressed that through my new (school) year’s resolutions. And… I do drink a lot of coffee.
Thanks for the read, it reminded me of how good I have it.
hayden tompkins says:
I think our internal perspective makes a big difference about whether our routine makes us miserable. The whole ‘morning’ section of this article is basically me in the morning, until you get to work. Though I don’t like my job I LOVE who I work with. It’s amazing what a difference that makes.
Your drive just sounds so peaceful.
September 2, 2008 at 6:25 am
SanityFound
Want to start a t-shirt company?
September 2, 2008 at 11:42 am
curlywurlygurly
re: mssc54
i listen to books on cd–it helps to pass the time and keep blood pressure down.
September 2, 2008 at 11:43 am
dreemwhrld
That was my life to the ‘t’, about a year ago. It can be so incredibly frustrating to realize that’s exactly where you are, and yet see no way out of it – any of it. Of course, “life is what you make it”, as my dad always loved to tell me, and I was making myself miserable, though my circumstances certainly didn’t help much. My life is certainly much different than it was even 6 months ago, but it’s all the little things that make it seem better. I’ve actually been early to work for the last 3 months, often with a cup of coffee in my hand (not because I need it, mind you, but because i like it). For the last two days, I’ve actually gotten up about half an hour before my alarm! My last job I was often sneaking in a few minutes past opening time. Granted I like my job better now, but I’ve also changed my attitude towards my work, and thus my life.
*cheers*
hayden tompkins says:
Early? Blasphemy!
It’s wonderful to hear the difference in how you’re living. Would you do this for another year when your year is up?
September 2, 2008 at 11:44 am
dreemwhrld
p.s. – i burned all my tps reports when i left my last job – but i kept my stapler.
hayden tompkins says:
LMAO!
September 2, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Night Writer
Several years ago I was in a day-long communicator’s workshop at my job. During lunch we had some doctor of psycho-babble talk to us about stress. His presentation was a combination of the blindingly obvious and his own secret to reducing stress: reducing one’s expectations. I.e., if you know it takes 30 minutes to drive to work, don’t expect that you can do it in 20; if your boss is a jerk, don’t expect him/her to change, etc. It was pretty dreary stuff. At one point he made some remark of piercing insight with all the depth of someone suggesting that fresh air for babies would be a good thing. He followed this up with the remark, “Can you believe I get paid for coming up with that!’”
To which I blurted, “What is your expectation?” The woman who booked the guy was sitting directly across the table from me. The bruise from the kick she gave me took weeks to go away, but it was worth it.
hayden tompkins says:
Why, you scamp!
September 2, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Kip de Moll
What iIS a TPS report?
I work in my home or someone else’s home everyday. Even so, it used to be incredibly stressful. Attitude is everything.
…but sometimes it’s not your attitude, but of those (or somebody’s) around you!
hayden tompkins says:
LOL, that is very true.
A TPS report is a reference to the movie “Office Space”. It was a worthless report, the penultimate example of bureaucratic insanity. If you haven’t seen it, I highly suggest it.
September 2, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Kip de Moll
I’ll check out the report…oh, you mean the movie
hayden tompkins says:
It’s funnier if you’ve ever been an office drone.
September 2, 2008 at 10:18 pm
dreemwhrld
If I can make it through the winter here then I’ll stay until all my student loans are paid off – about 4 years. It’s nice to think it’ll take me about as long to pay off my debts as it took to incur them.
I’ve never lived in the mountains before, so I’m not sure how my little Florida self will deal with -15 degree weather and massive snows, but I’m going to find out!
hayden tompkins says:
You’re going to be gone for FOUR YEARS? Wow, I totally thought it was for one year. I thought we’d be getting you back, um, way sooner.
September 6, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Contest Winners, And Free Publicity | Hunter Nuttall . com
[...] 1st place: Hayden Tompkins at Persistent Illusion wins an hour of life coaching from Tim, for her post How To Be Miserable. [...]
September 7, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Weekly Fruit Salad - Αριθμός δεκατεσσαρων « SanityFound’s Rambling’s
[...] Here is what I think… If the canthankerous Jerry Springer bunch spent half the time they spend commenting visharsely on fighting against world poverty, child abuse, aid reaching the victims in Haiti after Hannah hit and humanitarian rights abuses… what would the world look like? Anticipation Explosion people… the JS’s need to go read How To Be Miserable! [...]