…not only from bogey men in the night, but apparently from themselves!
The Art of Manliness has written a post entitled “Be A Modern Knight: Protecting Your Lady in the 21st Century“.
It is clear that gender roles are not what the once were, but this article advises men that “we now have the duty to protect our women from emotional harm” and that “surely, a man must be ready to protect his home should a villain invade it or protect his lady in a street fight”.
Why?
Because “there is one male/female disparity that even the most ardent feminist cannot deny: men are physically stronger than women.”
Well, there is something that not even the most ardent proponent of manliness can deny; men are not always going to be around to protect us delicate flowers of womanhood.
As anyone who reads this blog knows, I am an avid supporter of the “man up” movement. But ’manning up’ should never come at the expense of a woman’s ability to protect herself. Not only that, but many women match the ‘average man’ in strength. Personally, my husband (who is stronger than the average man) is stronger than I am in torso – but not in the legs. These are thighs of thunder, my friends!
The absolute core of the masculinity movement is authenticity, being true to yourself. Not every man is a fighter. Not every man is aggressive. Men, people, are different. Some are interested in challenges of the mind instead of the body. Some are interested in challenges of relationship and marriage. And some are interested in the challenges of a bench press.
My husband is not particularly aggressive in manner. It isn’t his nature. It’s my nature, forged in the fire of childhood abuse. It’s the nature of a woman who has survived beatings of her person, who has survived an attack on her life, and has been near to death in three instances. A woman who has chosen fight over flight. Chris? He’s a laid back, go-with-the-flow kind of guy. Does that make him less masculine? Does that make me less feminine?
My fabulous curves say “no”.
Being a ‘man’ isn’t about being some preconceived idea of what it means to be masculine. And that sense of masculinity shouldn’t come at the expense of women. My marriage is about two strong people, with fortitude of body and mind, coming together to forge a partnership.
When it comes down to it, I have his back 100%. I would charge anyone like a rhino who even intimated that they would physically hurt my Beloved. But you know what? He would go Incredible Hulk on anyone who tried to harm me. In the words of Mr. T, I pity the fool.
Ladies, don’t ever let anyone make you feel unfeminine for learning how to protect yourself. Or having muscles under those curves. For being slender instead of having curves. For lifting weights. For being an athlete. For being willing to fight tooth and nail for your husband, a parent, or your child. For speaking up. For being willing to verbally eviscerate anyone who interferes with your family. For being a computer geek. For being able to change your own spark plugs. For being smart. For being a mathematician. A scientist. A physicist.
And know that you do not have to be She-Ra Uber Goddess of Muscles to protect yourself.
Be alert. Carry mace. Keep a cell phone with you. Don’t go into strange parts of town at night. Take a defense class. Use your agility and flexibity to keep him away from you. Use his weight and ’strength’ against him. Go for the knees. Show no weakness.
Keep some space in between you. Tell him to BACK OFF and don’t engage in any other conversation. No matter what he says, tell him to “back off”. If he calls you a bitch, you say “back off“. If he talks about how you look, “back off back off back off“. If you have to scream it, “BACK OFF!!” Better to look crazy than be dead. If you are wearing high heels, slip out of them so you can run if you have to. Maybe you could stab him in the eye with it.
If you don’t have any upper body strength, use your elbows to ‘punch’ him in the face. Use your legs. Your teeth, your nails. Put everything you have into it. All you have to do is last a minute. Most attacks are extremely, surprisingly quick. Most women are taken down because they freeze. Train yourself not to freeze in fear. Contemplate the horrible. Do whatever it takes.
If you are by youself, imagine the person you love most in the world behind you. What would you do for this person, what reserves of strength would you find within yourself? Your job, your only job, is to protect yourself so you can get back to them.
You are not any less of a women by being able to protect yourself. It is, in fact, your responsibility, to be able to do so.
20 comments
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August 13, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Brett
Hayden-
It wasn’t my intention to incense anybody. I’m all for women learning how to protect themselves physically. That wasn’t the main thrust of my post, but I guess the line about men generally being physically stronger than women struck a chord with you. That’s fine.
The reason I wrote the post is because I’ve noticed several of my female friends and family members suffer from some body image/self esteem issues. So, I wrote a post on how men can help them. I can tell you’re a strong willed woman who probably doesn’t have these issues, but that doesn’t mean every woman is. Just ask any counselor/therapist.
Also, we tried to make it very clear in the post it isn’t the man’s responsibility to assure that a woman’s self image is protected. In the end, that’s every person’s own responsibility, but men can definitely help the women in their lives.
Anyways, I hope to see you around on the site and take part in the Manival.
Respectfully,
Brett
hayden tompkins says:
I didn’t disagree with the whole post, in fact I was absolutely thrilled with:
I am also absolutely, as you pointed out, aghast at your assertion that ‘men are stronger than women’ coupled with the idea that women need to be protected.
1. Men will not always be around as a ‘protector’. Often they are the attacker.
2. Many men are the ones responsible for hurting their family.
3. Might does not guarantee victory – in martial arts or in war. Look at Vietnam or the story of David & Goliath.
4. The average man is not all that much stronger than the average woman.
5. In an attack, a mugger will most likely have a knife or a gun which trumps a man’s alleged superior strength. I’m not saying a gun can’t be wrestled away from someone, but you have to get close enough first.
I understand that you work in generalities, but this notion that ‘women need to be protected’ (or can’t take care of themselves) is one that is responsible for how women are treated in many 3rd world countries and several middle eastern countries. And, frankly, that’s not how we roll in the U.S. (Or at least, that’s not how we should roll.)
A lot of men read your blog, Brett. It scares me that even a whisper of the idea of masculinity at a woman’s expense get out. A man is not a man unless he is protecting his woman from evils physical and emotional? Yes, masculinity through partnership and support. No, masculinity through brute force and physical standards.
August 13, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Brett
“Yes, masculinity through partnership and support. No, masculinity through brute force and physical standards.”
I agree with that. Can we be friends again?
hayden tompkins says:
LOL!
August 13, 2008 at 6:32 pm
froggywoogie
It also means for a man to offer his chest and shoulder for his woman to cry or rest. She feels protected that way also.
My two cents
hayden tompkins says:
I guess I consider it more “support” than “protection”.
But it is lovely to have!
August 13, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Night Writer
My daughters are smart, agile in mind and body and feisty. Neither one is easily intimidated and we’ve talked often about the need to fight then and there rather than let someone force them into a car or into a secluded area. I’ve shown them some useful moves and gone over good, common-sense things for avoiding bad situations as much as possible. If it came to it, I think they’d do some damage and run like hell. That said, if I were with them and they were threatened there’s no doubt I would put myself in harm’s way to protect them – even if I was 77-years-old and breathing from an oxygen bottle attached to my walker. Some of that may be due to parental instinct, some of it due to an ingrained sense of chivalry, and a lot of it because I’ve got some experience in physical confrontation and in hitting with intent to injure, and they don’t. I also know what’s it like to be hit in the nose, and how discombobulating that can be the first time it happens. I would sacrifice just about anything to make sure their first fight wasn’t also their last.
My youngest is a solid but lithe mesomorph, taller than average for a girl her age and she has been doing Tae Kwan Do for nearly three years. Her sensei said she could be black belt now, but she choose to take the money that would have paid for the higher belt tests and used it instead to pay for additional lessons in weapon fighting. She also reads a lot of woman warrior fiction and likes her heroines strong and independent. I like that. She was also getting to feel a little cocky about her skills and perhaps reckless. After she put herself into a risky situation (fortunately uneventful) I wanted her to have a healthier respect for the size, weight and musculature advantages a man (even a young one) typically has over a woman.
I discussed it with her mother and one evening, with mom watching, I told my daughter to be alert and stand still, and then came up behind her and grabbed her so that her arms were pinned to her side. “Now do everything you can to get loose,” I said. I kept my head from being directly behind hers; as she tried to stamp, I lifted her off the ground; when she tried to do the quick drop from under my grasp I followed her right down to the ground, further immobilizing her. After a few moments of this she surrendered and we got up. She was understandably a bit miffed. She said it would have been different if she had been willing to hurt me. I suggested that it could have been more different if I had been willing to hurt her. She suggested that I have nearly 100 pounds on her. I suggested that attackers don’t work according to weight class or look for a fair fight. I also told her that I’m older and slower than those who might want to trouble her.
Sure, she might have done better if I had given her room to maneuver at the beginning, but again, an ambush attack is more likely than a direct challenge. It wasn’t my intent to crush her spirit or confidence, I wanted her to have a better sense of what she could be up against outside the controlled conditions of the dojo or the fanciful pages of her novels. After that we had a discussion of additional practicalities – how easily ears can be torn from heads, for example, to daunt an attacker and how much easier (and just as effective) it can be to launch a shot to the throat (which is almost alway unexpected) as to the ‘nads (which is always expected). In short, fight dirty and without mercy and run as soon as you get the chance. The newspapers have too many stories of young, fit women found dead after an encounter with a drunk husband, angry boyfriend or garden-variety sociopath.
I want my girls to be strong and prepared, and part of my job as a protector is to help with that (if I can’t be there myself). At a larger level, I want to do everything I can in this culture to make it safer for them and other women and to stand against a culture that assaults women verbally as “ho’s” and “bitches” without repercussion and grows even bolder about crossing the line physically. I like the idea that other men are still willing – or should be willing – to say that this is unacceptable and are willing to use our muscle and moral fiber on behalf of women instead of against them.
hayden tompkins says:
“even if I was 77-years-old and breathing from an oxygen bottle attached to my walker”
ROFLMAO!!
Anyway, I couldn’t help but use that picture. I found it, arrow included, hysterical. I think it’s amazing that you have encouraged your daughters to be resilient and self-sufficient, and willing to get physical in their own defense. Would that all parents were like that.
I understand where you are coming from, I truly truly do. However, I think it is extremely dangerous for women to assume that someone will rescue them or to depend on men. There will not always be men around who will leap to defense of your person. Also, the attitude that women ‘need’ to be protected is one that makes me extremely uncomfortable for the reasons I stated in an earlier comment.
August 13, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Kevin (ReturnToManliness)
Hayden,
I just read Brett’s article and I think you have very good points (including your reasoning for being upset). My wife, who is way weaker than me physically, knows how to bring me to my knees if she wants. She can take care of herself.
His article has other issues though and I commented on his post. I get what he was trying to do, but the implementation killed the message.
The “steering” comment only fosters some people’s belief in the “weaker sex” argument – which is hurtful to many. I believe the sexes are not equal nor I would hope anyone would that. The differences is what makes us so attracted to each other – not weaker or stronger than the other – just different.
hayden tompkins says:
I guess that’s one thing about blogging. You write and post and none of it goes through much of an ‘editing’ process. Very stream of consciousness. I have to go see what you said!
*Edit: You read that to your wife?! Brave man, LOL.
August 13, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Night Writer
Hayden, you have a good point (as always) that chivalry can morph into paternalism, but I’m also concerned that egalitarianism can morph into indifference or worse – even to the point where we say “nothing is worth fighting for.” While I want my daughters to be prepared for anything, I also want a world where if someone acted inappropriately toward them another man, even a stranger, would be just as righteously indignant as I and feel obligated to do something about it. It’s probably safer to view all men as a potential attacker than a potential defender, but I like the core of the chivalrous code that calls for the stronger to protect the weak (regardless of sex).
It kind of reminds me of the Samuel Jackson line in Pulp Fiction where he tells “Ringo” that “you are the weak, and I’m the tyranny of evil men, but I’m trying, Ringo – I’m trying real hard, to be the shepherd.” A better quote, however for this aspirational view of mine, comes from Uncle Hub’s little speech in “Secondhand Lions” about what it means to be a man:
Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil. And I want you to remember this, that love…true love…never dies. You remember that, boy. Doesn’t matter if they’re true or not because those are the things worth believing in.
Whew! I’ve written more here today than I have on my own blog the last two days. I think we understand each other, and as Brett said, “let’s be friends”. I certainly wouldn’t want you as an enemy!
hayden tompkins says:
Fear, fear, the font of death, run while you can!
“Secondhand Lions” is a phenomenal movie and one of my favorites. I guess I don’t think that deciding to stand against the ‘tyranny of evil men’ is the sole province of men. I would like to think that all people, men or women, would try and help if someone was being attacked.
August 14, 2008 at 4:43 am
Laurie
Men are hard wired to protect. It’s in their genes. Back in the olden days, the women were gathers and pregnant all the time and the men were hunters and protected their families.
My hub isn’t all that big a guy but he can still take me down. Men are stronger on average than women. So in our case, we have to get out of situations more with our brain than our braun.
I like that my guy wants to protect me. I am precious to him and he would die for me. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t defend myself or can’t defend myself. I doesn’t even mean that I wouldn’t join in if someone was fighting my guy. I would probably try my best to hit him over the head or something.
My guy walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street when we walk together so if a car wrecks, it hits him and not me. He grabs my hand on a steep hill because he doesn’t want me to fall. All this he does from a place of love. In my respect for him I allow him to do all this because it confirms his manhood, and his leadership role in our family. I realize it is his expression of love for me. He is the protector and I love it. He with him being that, I am still an independant, assertive, strong woman. I haven’t compromised anything.
hayden tompkins says:
Believe me, I can completely understand that. (Plus it sounds awefully romantic.)
But to me there is a big problem with saying women ‘need’ men to protect them. Not only is it uncomfortably close to a paternalistic attitude (thank you NightWriter), but in the end – we are all responsible for ourselves. You can’t always assume that a guy is going to be around to protect you.
Maybe it’s because I grew up in a big city (Miami) where half the people didn’t even speak English – but sometimes I think we are simply alone.
August 14, 2008 at 11:15 am
SanityFound
“These are thighs of thunder, my friends!” rofl that is my line! brilliant article
I think self defense should be taught to all kids from school going age, if not younger. Always go for the throat, eyes and groin they say… works every time. Going to repeat myself for the sake of it – incredible brilliant post!
hayden tompkins says:
Nothing like getting attacked by the ones you love to really drive home the point that we are alone in the world. Thanks for understanding.
August 14, 2008 at 2:20 pm
SanityFound
The one thing that it has taught us is how to read body language as well as that look in the eye of the other person. In all honesty the unconventional training that I got as a kid has has saved my life more times than I choose to say. We are alone yes.
hayden tompkins says:
WOW. I never thought of that. You are so right, it does teach you how to read body language. Wow. Not that I’d ever recommend it!
August 14, 2008 at 2:21 pm
thedailydish
If you are by yourself, imagine the person you love most in the world behind you.
I can imagine this w/out any issue. John would be screaming at the tops of his lungs PUSH HIS EYEBALLS IN!!
GREAT POST Hayden!
hayden tompkins says:
LOL!
You guys are right though. Most women (like if they are being choked) try to get the guys hands off their neck. If you ‘ignore’ what he’s doing to your neck and go for the eyes – you’ll do some pretty immediate damage. I once shoved my fingers up a guy’s nose (it was all I could get to at the moment) REALLY HARD. He let me go.
If I could get my hands on a little -though long- stick or piece of metal, I’d try to jam it in one of his ears.
Wow, I just read that and I sound like a maniac!
August 14, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Todd S
Having read the original AoM article and your response, this is my take (speaking as a husband and a father of two pre-teen girls).
It is a man’s responsibility to protect and defend his loved ones. This does not indicate or insinuate that a woman is incapable of protecting or defending herself. As you have pointed out, there are many women more capable than the average man. But one’s ability does not offset another’s responsibility.
If I am present then there is no question as to my responsibility which is to protect her/them until I am unconscious or dead.
Any husband or father who puts his own well-being above that of his wife or child(ren) by ignoring or negating his responsibility is a coward. It doesn’t matter what his ‘nature’ is (bookish or athletic, passive or aggressive, introvert or extrovert, fighter or lover), he is a coward and as guilty as the attacker for any harm done.
This same responsibility extends to protecting her from herself as well. I would not stand by and let someone else hurl insults and demeaning comments at her, so why should I stand by and let her do it to herself? Do I place her on a pedestal then and pretend that she has no faults? Obviously not but what I tell my children holds true for my wife in regards to herself and me in regards to myself. “We use our words to build one another up not tear them down.”
What you have stated is equally true. It is the woman’s responsibility to ensure that she is able to protect herself (and her family). She cannot depend on being defended at all times and should know how to if the need arises.
hayden tompkins says:
Well, I talked this over with my husband last night – ok fine, I read him both articles and many of the comments (poor guy) – and we had a pretty interesting discussion about it.
Brett is absolutely right that what ticked me off was the man v. woman strength thing. Why? Because it was this ‘fact’ that was used to justify a protective attitude on the part of the man. I would have had a much different reaction, I suspect, if he said something to the effect that husbands and wives need to protect each other.
I agree that everyone has a duty to stand up for others in the best way that they can but not every man has to be stronger than women to be manly. I think a good example of this would be Steven Hawking.
All in all it’s been interesting reading everyone’s opinions.
August 15, 2008 at 3:01 am
Amber
This is absolutely awesome girlfriend. I can’t agree with you more. My husband is to the casual eye the quiet University English Professor. 5 ‘10 Medium build, not muscular, looks like he spends his life in libraries and with computers (which he does). I on the other hand am 5′8 with a very strong buxom body voluptuous curves to say the least and am more than able to handle myself in any situation – yet still look feminine. However, anyone even dare think about talking to me wrong, you will see how badly you misjudged the situation. My husband becomes the epitome of a mans man and will fight with for me till the death. He doesn’t care how large the opponent is, or his lack of strength or physical ability to fight. He stands his ground period.
I too was abused. My brothers made sure I knew how to take care of myself in life. I think every single woman should always know how. Even if that ends up meaning taking care of themselves against someone they love….
hayden tompkins says:
Oh god, my brothers. They were awful; I can’t believe I forgot about that!
August 15, 2008 at 3:02 am
Amber
P.S. I arrive in Durham NC on the 27th.. want a cup of coffee????
hayden tompkins says:
I thought that ‘around the world’ thing was a joke! Of course!
August 15, 2008 at 4:22 pm
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August 20, 2008 at 3:58 pm
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November 22, 2008 at 11:20 pm
tgace
Hmmm..Interesting post. I guess my opinion on the matter is that “self-defense” is an individual right and responsibility. Nobody should place their wellbeing entirely in another’s hands. That being said, size/strength disparity is a numbers game and men do have the genetic advantage for aggressiveness and fighting “in general”. A look at criminal statistics regarding violence will show strong support for that fact. Yes, there are always exceptions and even amongst men there are variations along the scale. There is always a bigger and tougher guy somewhere, but “on the average” I would hesitate to tell women that they can expect to be able to “outmuscle” the average guy .
However that doesn’t detract from your point. While there may be strong genetic and social influence in the “man as protector” theme, that is far from saying that women should just be passive victims dependent upon men for their safety. Brains and weapons were developed by humans to overcome the physical advantages of animals that we either hunted or that hunted us. There are always ways to beat a bigger opponent IF you have the mindset, tools and training to do it. It’s important to not propagate the idea a few self-defense moves will let a women defeat some 250lb MMA fighter (its probably a bad idea to tell the average man that too), but it is important to teach women that they can and should fight when that is necessary. But in the end its far better to avoid the violence in the first place.
hayden tompkins says:
I’ve had a lot of time to think back on this particular entry and what prompted it. And I agree with much of what you’ve said. I think it was the ‘women are weak and need to be protected’ position that originally sent me a little past the edge of reason. Women have worked so hard to come as far as we have in the last, even 20-30 years, that I find that idea dangerous though well-intentioned.
I have, however, come to understand that many men have a real need to feel like knight protectors. To be of service to their loved ones. So this has definitely opened my eyes about what my husband needs to satisfy his soul.
I very much appreciate your thoughtful comments.
April 18, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Brandon
I happened upon your blog when I was browsing the web. Very well said! I do agree with you that men are stronger than women most of the time; in fact about the only time that they aren’t is if they are lazy/do something that isn’t physical and you are comparing them to a women who spends her time working-out. I can say this, with good backing, as I am a young guy, and I don’t do much to work out, I’m of a medium to small bone structure, but I am many times stronger than any young lady I know. I totally agree that men need to be MEN again and care for and protect their lady. Not to say that women are any less significant than men; to the contrary we were created equal. However, even look at the common beasts; even among them we find that the males are typically bigger and stronger. But it seems now a days men aren’t stepping up to the plate and doing their duty. Part of it may be due to a what I consider a little too overboard feminist movement, some because they are just lazy. But anyway, good job on your blog!
Brandon