One of my first articles, “Why You Shouldn’t Get Married“, was a provocatively titled piece designed to completely challenge assumptions about the ‘why’ of marriage.  “Don’t get married”, I cried.  “Not for love or children or security and especially not because ‘it’s time’ or because you think you are supposed to.”

A Modern Nightmare

Marriage is sacred, but with a ‘why’ that’s so small, so fear based, it’s no wonder that many modern marriages are completely mediocre – partners barely tolerating each other or, as is more often the case, couples whose orbits of daily activities rarely intersect.

After 7 years, one wakes up, looks over at their snoring, drooling spouse, and wonders “How can I feel this alone when I barely have a moment to myself?”

Sometimes we lash out in an attempt to resurrect the person we believed ourselves to have been, or force a transformation into who we think we “should be”.  Other times we languish, pull into our selves, and move robotically through the rest of our lives – grasping at ephemeral physical pleasure to fill the hole where our souls used to be, the place where dwelled our dreams, the no longer infinite wellspring of our passions.

So, indeed, why get married?

Possibility

The first reason to get married is for the dream of what loves inspires.  The confluence of erotic love, filial devotion, and sheer possibility converge to transform the rote exercise of our being.  Suddenly our world in technicolor, the globe round, and future infinite.

It’s both the creation of family and a putting away of childish things; a stepping forward in the community with the declaration “I am fully present.”  This desire forges a link between generations – the penultimate guarantee of life, of continuity.

When you look into your beloved’s eyes, you see at once your past, your present, your future.  You see children and grandchildren, and your heart melts at the wide open possibility of what family – your marriage – will create.

A Witness

Marriage is an absolute commitment to the most intimate partnership.  If nothing else, you have pledged before each other, your families, and your community that you have chosen your beloved, your life’s companion.

At it’s rawest, your vows include an unspoken promise.  “I will be the witness to your life, your existence.  You will never have lived in vain, from the futility of invisibility – I see you.  I honor you.“

This level of communion is exquisite, bonded by the absolute certainty of your devotion to each other.  No matter what, no matter where, your marriage is a partnership – a communion of heart, purpose, and directionality – and you always have each others’ backs.

At this level, you fully open your being to the other of you.

A love cemented in this fervent, unconditional commitment is stronger than any catastrophe which could fell another union.

Transformation

The deep questions of our existence (Who am I?  Why am I?  Why am I here?  Who am I meant to be?) can all be answered, exercised, and challenged through your marriage.  What is the point of living, life?  To be born, get it on, and die?

No.  Living is more,  more dimensional than that.  We will ever change, ever grow, ever transform…always towards love.

As a child, our love is born from routine and security, a relaxing into certainty and the unconditional faith born of surety.  As a teenager, our love is passionate and all-consuming – exposing us to the abyss of love’s depths.  As an adult, we learn that our deepest love wells from what we give.  And a lucky few realize that it is not simply from what we give our partners, but the world.

Marriage is personal development boot camp.  You will demand much from your partner, as they will from you.  You will be challenged to open your being in love, even as you are angry.  You will be challenged to fully forgive transgressions both major and minor.  Your marriage, in short, is the daily practical exercise of the opportunity to be your best self.  And what you master at home, you take into the world.  Marriage can be the ultimate trial by fire; the most persistent test of your convictions.

The best of marriages provides the opportunity to dance with the divinity of your heart, and to practice constant, compassionate evolution.  For both men and women, ultimately, marriage is loving surrender.