This one goes out to all the double x chromosome carriers in the hizzay.  Ladies, let’s talk sex appeal!

I noticed in my bookstore sojourn yesterday a book titled “The Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex”.  (Don’t look at me like that, of course I picked it up!)  While flipping through it, I noticed that it addressed everything sex-related from positions to fetishes.  Everything…except sex appeal.

Let me tell you a secret, so listen up.  Great sex is not a reverse cowgirl.  Amazing sex is not some crazy wheelbarrow position.  There are no Olympic judges standing by to give you a 9.0, 8.9, 9.0, and 10.0 for syle and execution.  You are not playing human Tetris and incredible sex is about more, much more, than doing it in the kitchen.  (Tile floors, are you kidding me?!)

Books that talk about ‘great sex’ either discuss changing something like your location or position, or they go tantra on you.  Ok, tantra may be great but I want to be ravished, not engaged in sychronized breathing.

Sex, like meditation or finding your passion, is all about turning your brain off.  If your passion is music, you could spend hours experiencing music, not analyzing it.  Analyzing is what people who don’t get it, do.  The authentic athletic or artistic greats are the ones who just do it, engage their flow, and the results are breathtaking but analyzed afterwards. 

And, in order to have great sex, you have to turn his brain off too.

Which brings us back to sex appeal.  Many women think sex appeal is putting on a pair of high heels, night makeup, and a skin-tight dress. 

But they are only half-right; the sex appeal isn’t in the accoutrements, it’s in the attitude.  Men are wonderfully, wonderfully imaginative people.  A man can see a woman in a pair of jeans and t-shirt and find it incredibly hot.  Even my IHOP apron was a turn-on, go figure.

The Secret to Sex Appeal

Most women think that the attitude of being ’sexy’ is a low, breathy voice, a sashay in your walk, skin-tight clothes, and  a come-hither look in your eyes.

Let me paint a picture for you. 

You have been married for 15 years.  You’re kind of tired all the time.  You are doing your thing and your husband is doing his thing.  You gave up on grooming years ago.  You are focused on getting things done and whether your other half is getting his things done.  If he initiates sex, you go along with it because you would feel guilty if you didn’t, but you can’t keep your mind off of whether Jimmy did his homework.  Then your anniversary or Valentine’s Day comes around and you think “tonight I’ll be sexy” and that it will be a fantasy, a vacation from your regular life.

So you wiggle into your ’sexy’ dress, slap on your ’sexy’ makeup, and dust off the come-hither look.  And boy is he suitably appreciative.  No offense though, he’s been looking at tired housewife for 364 days and anything else is a total visual improvement.

And you’ll have sex and it’ll be nice and you’ll think you did your job while secretly you wonder where the spark went.

Where did the spark go?

I’ll tell you.  You killed the spark.  You.  And it isn’t your fault, because no one told you.  Not your mom, not your friends, and not any of the ‘great sex’ books.

What does a man find attractive?

There are two types of male attraction, overt and non-overt. 

When you ’sexy it up’, that’s overt attraction.  Thanks to movies, tv, and books, most women have overt attractiveness down to a science.  Overt attractiveness is sexual attractiveness; it’s obvious. 

Non-overt attractivess is under-the-radar and most men couldn’t really explain what it is, but they know it when they see it.  Non-overt attraction is not sexual.  It’s the same appeal that someone who is popular has, that spark that make people want to be near them.

NON-OVERT ATTRACTIVESS IS EQUALLY, IF NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEXINESS. 

Sexiness is less real, less authentic, if a woman is not inherently attractive.  It is the magnetism of the soul, the being and experience.

Men are attracted to vibrant, joyful, happy women in the flow of their lives.  We associate those qualities with ‘youth’ and think that our husband left us because he ‘traded us in for a younger model’, but the truth is the younger woman is vibrant and carefree while the wife is loaded with responsibilities and utilitarian.

(Which is one reason why the new woman is less attractive after time passes, because she assumed all the responsibilities that the previous woman had.)

Computer Geeks and Sport Statisticians

It’s no surprise that men are less immediately in touch with their emotions than women.  Whether it’s nature or nurture, emotional responses for men can be almost secondary.  Most men like to quantify, measure, examine, observe, and ‘compute’.  Men have to see it to believe it.

A woman brings emotion to a man’s life and inner world.  Not by ‘making’ him emotional, but by fully experiencing her emotion.  By seeing it, he ‘believes it’, and can relax into his own emotions. 

That’s one reason that a man can happily be with a woman who is not a brilliant intellectual.  His need isn’t for more quantitative analysis.

Men Desire Freedom

We have a running joke in our society; that men don’t like to make commitments, be tied down, and that a spouse is the ‘ball and chain’ preventing freedom.

It’s a running joke because it’s kind of true.  But what no one ever tells anyone is that a woman can make a man feel free.  A man wants to be with a woman who is carefree, happy, lighthearted, and enjoying life to hilt. 

Here I am!  I am dancing with life; I am free.  God, what a trip!  Would you like to join me?  Of course you would, I am a goddess, afterall.  Would you like to experience this together?  It’s incredible.  Think of all that we’ll see, think of all we’ll do, think of all we’ll experience.  There is so much in this world!  Life isn’t perfect, nothing has to be perfect.  Perfection is this ‘being’, this experience.  I cherish you, you’re amazing.  Let’s just dance together.

Doesn’t that sound like freedom to you?  I guarantee you, it feels like freedom to him.  Why?  One reason is that you aren’t asking him to be anything other than he is.

Sex Appeal

Being a goddess isn’t about being ’sexy’.  Being a goddess is sexy because it is the gift of freedom – to yourself and your man.  It is the gift of your absolute, incredible being.  If you have sexy without freedom, you will – neither of you – be satisfied.

Have you ever seen a Marilyn Monroe movie?  If you haven’t, go rent one – stat!  Sure Marilyn is beautiful and her voice is breathy, but she is also radiant, fun, and carefree in those movies.

Practical Application

I know, it’s hard to be free when there is so much to do, to take care of.  Someone has to put food on the table, clean the house, and take care of the kids.

Let go.  Let it all go.

Take care of you first.  Before you can give fully of yourself, you have to care for yourself.  Relieve yourself of the need for perfection.  You do not have to live in a perfect house.  He sure doesn’t.  You do not need to be a perfect person, and neither does he. 

Determine what you absolutely need and what you just happen to want.  Maybe get rid of some stuff; the less crap you have, the less crap you have to manage. 

Do whatever it takes to stop managing your life as if managing it is living it.  Start enjoying your life.  Be a woman who is truly happy.  And what good is happiness in a cave?  Being happy in the chaos of your life is the true experience.

Result

A woman, fully embracing herself, her body, and her life is irresistible.  Then put that woman in a ’sexy’ dress and she’ll knock ‘em dead.

That’s a goddess. 

(Susan Sarandon)

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*FYI, this article is discussing the awakened, educated man.  Sure there are grasping, violent, egotistical men out there but, hopefully, that has nothing to do with your or your marriage.

 

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