It’s time we had a talk about your indecisiveness.
It has come to my attention that there is more than one reason for your seeming incompetence and indecisiveness.
I had believed that you wished to refrain from bulldozing your way through us to whatever you wanted. I thought that you were simply motivated by a need to make us feel empowered and independent. I dreamed it was because you did not want to step on our dainty toes of opinion with your steel-tipped Doc Martens of entitlement.
Another truth has been presented to me and, frankly dear Husbands, it saddens me to my core.
Could it be that the Husbands of America find it easier to let their wives carry the burden of management and decision-making? Could it be that Husbands were afraid of being ‘wrong’ and would rather make no decision than a wrong decision? Could it be the way my brother and I were as kids – if he incompetently dragged his feet long enough I would step-up and do the dishes so we would not have to face down an alcoholic father? (Yesterday’s alcoholic, abusive father is today’s debt collectors, creditors, bankruptcy, bosses, and more.)
Husbands, by abandoning your decision-making skills you are hurting us – your wives, your marriages, and yourselves.
Firstly, you are skipping out on your part of the marriage and your responsibilities which, by default, leaves me to step in and take care of everything. It’s not fair, Beloved! You promised we’d be partners but by shirking your duties, you are sticking me with the work.
I am tired. I am tired of worrying, tired of doing-it-all, tired of trying to get you to honor your commitments, and tired of being tired. I don’t like the me that has to harangue you to get you to do anything. You’re letting me down.
Secondly, you are turning me into your mother. I don’t want to be your mother. And if I am the mother, you are the 13 year-old boy that can rest with the assurance that mom will get it all done. I am not supposed to be your parent; I am supposed to be your wife.
Thirdly, you are sucking the sex-appeal right out of our relationship. How on earth can you treat me like your mother and then want to have sex with me? I’ll get it all done, make sure you are taking care of, and then be a wanton sex goddess in bed?
Oh, dear Husbands, you are living in a fantasy. Don’t worry. I’ve tried, but it’s fake and we both know that. Husbands, would you like to know the secret to an amazing marriage and amazing sex life?
Be my partner, not my child. You know what’s sexy? Sheer competence! I used to get so turned on when watching my first boyfriend drive. He was so competent, patient, and good at it. It’s the same feeling I get when I watch you with our children or when you finally get around to fixing the front door like you promised.
You don’t serve me or our relationship by slacking off; you serve by being your best self.
Husband, I want to be a wanton sex goddess too, but let me tell you something. If you want me to be unrestrained, playful, and passionate in bed then I have to be able to let go. I have to trust that if I do so, everything will be taken care of. I can’t completely surrender to you if I don’t have any faith in your abilities to take care of anything.
I have to know, I have to trust that you can and do take care of things. I can’t be goddess without a god.
I implore you, I’m begging you, please step up. We deserve better than this.
13 comments
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April 22, 2008 at 5:10 pm
marlajayne
Serious stuff here…and true too. I can’t remember where I read this, but years ago in my “other life” (first marriage), came across this little nugget of information that said that everything wrong in a marriage is brought to the marital bed: things you don’t talk about but should, things you resent, inequities….everything. I think women somehow know that but men don’t, so it’s up to us to make them aware.
April 22, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Robert
Thanks for this razor-sharp truth and a clearest possible request.
And on the conscious level I believe most husbands would agree and go for it immediately. However, steping up and out of the mud that swallowed us up to our necks is not all that easy. I guess we need to work on this together.
But, thanks a lot for this message, will keep re-reading it.
April 23, 2008 at 3:22 pm
persistentillusion
Robert, I am beginning to suspect that a woman’s role in a marriage is to inspire and demand the best that her husband can give.
Women tend to be constantly ‘in touch’ with their relationship and marriage, as well as constantly analyzing it and the participants. Every seminar I have ever attended has been almost all women. The men that WERE there were there at the behest of their wives.
The seminar that Chris and I are attending in November (The Kings Temple and Goddess Awakened) will probably be no different.
Although why any man wouldn’t want to ‘dance with the Goddess’ or ‘push themselves to new levels of achievement and purpose’ is beyond me.
April 23, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Robert
interesting definition of a woman’s role in a marriage; inspire sounds great but I suspect we men will not be too happy by you demanding the best we can give. Perhaps requesting, supporting…?
). Therefore we have a bit more difficult time to face the fact that we can not do it alone, that we sometimes are helpless, that we can not handle it alone, that we need help…
Ha ha, yes, when I give seminars it is also mostly with women participants – though I have given several to primarily or even 100% male audience – which was fun in a certain way too. Well, perhaps not that much of fun, but interesting at least… To put it mildly.
I speculate there are various reasons for that:
- male ego depends on the idea of having to be in control, a macho, independent… (now I know we do not behave this way, but the idea is important for our mental health,
- we like to keep away from feelings since they are not controlable. Rationalising is safer and keeps you away from the chaos of all the suppressed emotions that can scare the shit out of men. So rationalizing and denying it all is how to play it safe. Meaning: personal growth seminars NO, footbally and beer YES.
- when uncertain we like to hide into our own world and silently think things over and over (read; seek for ways to put it under the carper). You girls, on the other hand, cannot deny it since you FEEL it and our denying drives you crazy so you press. And your pressing drives us crazy. And we hide some more…
These are the three reasons I can think of in couple of minutes why we may be having certain difficulties to dance with the Goddess. It’s not that we do not want to, our idea of an ideal pace of dancing is a bit different.
But we of course adore you, dear Goddesses…
April 23, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Robert
and I like the photos in your post, ha ha, great
)
April 23, 2008 at 8:12 pm
thedailydish
I’m so glad your photos are up & running! They always add add’l *umph* to your always-excellent posts.
This one is particularly true. I will have to show it to you-know-who next time we have a you-know-what.
Thanks babe!
April 24, 2008 at 1:30 am
cordieb
I used to attract “needy” people. Needy people are usually quite selfish. I finally realized that I was attracting this type of man because I equated love with feeling needed. I felt that if I didn’t feel needed, I didn’t feel loved. Women are usually nurturing beings by nature – children depend upon us and so do all the other family members. But feeling a lack of love due to needing to be needed is a sure way of attracting a needy man. As for the sex – that theory can go both ways. Problems in the bed room can also cause problems in everyday life. Small things seem monumental when the sex is not compatible. I know few women with the same sex drives or simular fantasys as their partners after years of marriage – even if he’s an Enjoli Man! I think men’s ego play a huge role in their sex drive. They’ll go along with a sex act, even if they are tired, simply because of their ego. Also, they don’t feel manly unless they are banging on a regular basis – mainly due to ego.
Peace, Light and Love,
CordieB
April 29, 2008 at 2:03 pm
The Manival! « Persistent Illusion
[...] Dear Husbands of America, from yours truly, is currently featured but since you, loyal readers, have already read it, I suggest that you mosey on down to take a gander at the rest of the man-licousness. Blogroll [...]
April 29, 2008 at 2:05 pm
connie
Oops! I moved the above comment to what I was actually responding to!
April 29, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Scott Sleek
There’s a flip side to this that makes me skeptical about what you’re saying. If we husbands asserts ourselves and make decisions and take over household chores, we get lambasted for doing it wrong and for acting unilaterally. Sorry if I sound clueless, but I just feel like we’re in a no-win situation.
April 29, 2008 at 3:50 pm
persistentillusion
@ Scott – I totally agree. It’s something I address is Telling My Husband What To Do. (http://persistentillusion.wordpress.com/2008/04/21/telling-my-husband-what-to-do/)
There is rarely a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do something, like folding clothes or doing the dishes. If you are doing something, she needs to back off and let it go. It definitely takes effort from both partners. As long as you aren’t half-assing it, she needs to relinquish control.
April 29, 2008 at 7:03 pm
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