When I first met my husband, he was very ‘accomodating’. Ladies, you know what I mean. “Where would you like to go?” “What would you like to do?” “What do you feel like for dinner?”
Since this was just-some-guy, I wasn’t even nice about dealing with him at all. I just sat and looked at him…for 20 minutes. I didn’t even shrug my shoulders or throw a ‘whatever’ at him. I gave him nothing. He invited me on a date, he should have already planned something. (Or at the very least had an idea of what we could do.)
When he moved in with me, my brother was living with me too. So, unfortunately for him, he was stepping into an already established routine. It wasn’t until we moved to North Carolina that I finally noticed that he kept checking in with me on everything. The ah-ha moment came when he actually asked ‘is this ok?’ regarding a parking space.
One day I caught myself telling him how to drive home. Home. TO OUR HOUSE.
What in the heck had happened?! It wasn’t me, he was like that when I met him, but how on earth had I slipped so easily into the role of parking space verifier? Why was he even asking me? How could this possibly happen to two, independent, well-educated adults?
Though I cared, I cared more about fixing it with a quickness.
1. Explanation. First, I sat him down to talk about it and told him that I wasn’t happy about it. Why on earth would I be happy about telling a man ten years my senior how to park? He hadn’t noticed it either but when I pointed it out he was chagrined to say the least.
3. Just say no. From then on, when he asked me if a parking space was ok, I would pretend to think about it and then respond with a serious ‘no’. The first time I did that, he was taken aback. After that, however, he responded with “executive decision!” as he whipped into the parking space. It took him a little while, but he stopped asking.
4. Always a passenger? I am, mostly, unless we need to get somewhere in a hurry, then I drive.
In our relationship, unless it is a road-trip, he typically drives. It isn’t about power-plays in our relationship; we are totally beyond that. Him driving us happens to fit living in North Carolina best.
However, this weekend our plane arrived late in Miami, lost our luggage, and the rental car people took forever. We were short on time and short on wedding attire, but I would be damned if I didn’t show up at my best friend’s wedding on time. Though Chris had been driving the entire time we were in Colorado, I ripped those keys out of the rental guy’s hands and sped off in a haze of smoking tires.
You better believe we showed up with 3 minutes to spare.
If he had driven, we would have been late. We also wouldn’t have had the possibility of getting arrested for reckless driving, cut anyone off, or gone 20 mph over the speed limit. (FYI, I only drive like a maniac on very special occasions.)
It isn’t about husband v. wife, it’s about what tool fits the situation best.
5. Chores. When I met Chris, he didn’t do household anything and he certainly didn’t do dishes. I told him upfront that I did not do dishes, so we could either go all disposable or he could do them. He opted to do dishes instead of killing a forest-a-year.
During the North Carolina men-aissance, I noticed that he would also check with me about the dishes.
Frankly, there is no ‘right’ way to do dishes. So I consciously let the dishes go. If he wanted to throw them in without rinsing them first, fine. If he wanted to stand there and meticulously scrape every piece of food off of the dishes for 40 minutes, great. If he wanted to stack bowls on top of plates when putting them away, groovy.
Dishes were ‘his’ and, as such, I stepped back from any opinion I had regarding how to do them. As long as they were done, I would have nothing to say. And don’t get me wrong, it took some time to undo the urge I had to tell him how to do them.
6. Independent Woman. I absolutely do not believe that men should be ‘in charge’ and take care of everything. I am an independent woman. I helped put a roof over my family’s head, put myself through school, and was paying my own bills loooong before I met my husband.
Being an independent woman in a relationship, though, is different. There has to be room for both the woman and the man.
When I spoke with Chris about his constant ‘checking’ with me about everything, he told me that it was because he wanted to make sure that my needs weren’t sublimated. He wanted to make sure that I was enjoying myself, or taken care of, and that my needs were considered.
He was being a sensitive guy, but the problem is that he was being a sensitive guy for a woman who has not yet learned to be independent and express herself.
7. Trust. Once I realized what the problem was, I flat-out told him ”Believe me. If I have a problem with something, I will let you know.” I let him know that he could trust me to tell him when I was in disagreement with something or was upset and why. I let go and trusted him to make decisions without checking with me first.
Sometimes you will not be able to confer with your partner. Sometimes you will have to make a decision on your own, with limited facts in front of you. Even in this technologically connected day and age, sometimes you will not be able to reach your spouse. Being paralyzed through indecision because you want to make sure your spouse has equal ‘buy-in’ isn’t healthy for your relationship. Trust that you, or your spouse, will make the best decision possible with the facts in evidence.
* * * * * * *
It’s been a weird time for men. A lot has changed, even within the past 30 years. The more empowered women get, the more some men do not want to step on their toes. An educated man doesn’t want to be a Cro Magnon Man, dictating to his partner, so he steps back from decision making.
We only needed that stepping away when women were new to ‘independence’, before they had really learned to assert themselves and speak their minds. I think we are ready to move on to the next stage of our romantic sociological development.
14 comments
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April 21, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Robert
Hey there, this is such a great post and very enlightening for me to hear this story from a woman. I am a bit (not about parking, but about pleasing my wife) like your husband and you are much like my wife – there are similarities in the dynamics of the relationship. Now, from my part I can say that the drive behind my checking so many things with her is partially the sincere desire to make her life happier. But, honestly, it is also partially a way to excape the responsibility and this way the possibility of her dissatisfaction and blaming me for it. So if I follow her choices than I am not responsible. Now, I am not proud of that and I know this is a neuroticism I am trying to grow out of.
On the other hand, yes, I can easily emphatise with the need of my wife to, being a rather strong and proactive woman, not have to decide for everything but to be lead occasionally… Since my proactiveness and decission making makes her feel more loved and safe, you know, feeling that I am actually taking steps, taking care of her and, well, behave like a man.
So, yes, I guess this is the story of every intimate relationship, to seek the right balance between the two and also between being indvidiuals and between being a couple.
Thanks again for this
April 21, 2008 at 9:09 pm
persistentillusion
I can definitely see an element of not wanting to make a mistake or be blamed in a man’s avoidance of decision making.
I noticed that early on in our relationship, I had a tendency to treat everything as if it were a right-or-wrong answer test. Now I’ve stepped back and if he makes a decision that ends up being less than fabulous, he can trust that I will not beat him over the head with it. If NASA can make mistakes, :cough: Hubble :cough:, then it’s ok for the rest of us.
As a woman who had been taking care of the men in her life for far too long – it is nice to be able to relax and know that the shit won’t hit the fan if you take a moment for yourself.
April 21, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Robert
Thank you for the NASA example – I will use it from now on to defend myself when on a trial in front of the serious look of my wife.
And, jumping to conclusions here, yes, my wife too tends to be pretty perfectionistic and critical (toward herself just as much as toward the rest of the world) and is working hard on learning how to relax and not drop into a coma if things are less than perfect.
April 22, 2008 at 2:34 am
Corey
The best way to live in marriage is honest and upfront with each other. You don’t cease to exist as individuals simply because you said “I do.” Being honest cuts out some of the relationship game playing. Life is too short to play games. I say, say what you think and be willing to hear what your spouse thinks. You both will grow through the process. Thus, get more out of marriage.
Great post!
April 22, 2008 at 1:12 pm
thedailydish
I have noticed my husband falling prey to this over the course of our marriage. He leaves a LOT of the decision making up to me. I know he feels I have sound judgment, and trusts me to make decisions, but I am under no misconception that it is also far easier for him to do so. One less hassle for him. And I agree w/ Robert – this probably is a way to escape blame if something falls short in future. But still, it can be seriously annoying. Sometimes you just want to scream, STEP UP TO THE PLATE DAMMIT!
I also have a tendency to behave like you, Hayden. I was an independent, well-educated working woman before I came into this relationship. I made and followed through with many big decisions. I want to make decisions jointly when they involve serious things, like time or financial resources, but the small stuff I don’t sweat. We also divide chores we each routinely tackle independently. With your husband, it’s the dishes. With us, John gets to walk Max and I feed him (and the rest of the pets). Makes life a whole lot easier.
April 22, 2008 at 1:51 pm
persistentillusion
Is it better to have made no decision than make a decision that is wrong?
I thought that some mens’ reluctance regarding decision-making stemmed from being taught to ‘play nice’ with women. The whole I-don’t-want-to-make-a-mistake-and-be-responsible thing is totally new to me.
April 22, 2008 at 8:29 pm
connie
My all time favorite…Whatever…which basically means whatever you want or think, just let me get back to my program LOL My husband and I were on our honeymoon near Sarasota, FLA and he thought it would be nice to have a romantic horse drawn carriage ride, as he slows down to ask the driver of the carriage about this, I asked him What the Hell was he doing
stopping in the middle of the road yadayada…you know the whole Exorcist head spinning thing. (to my defense of really bad behavior, I was sick the whole night before and just wanted to go to the inn and sleep) Man asked my opinion on everything for a VERY long time!
May 2, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Natasha
You’re bossy and controlling so you attracted a man who doesn’t mind being bossed around. And are you surprised? You send him mixed signals! You pretend you want him to take the lead, but when he actually does you take it right back.
“Telling” him to do the dishes? I’m a woman and I know that that’s not a man’s job in a relationship. Just another example of YOU taking the lead by telling HIM what to do.
You’re “completely independent?” Well, no surprise there.
And when you INSIST that YOU have to drive every time you’re late somewhere, look at the message that sends to him. You don’t think he’s a good driver. You don’t trust him to make the decision of what route to take, how fast to drive, etc. You’ll let him take control only on things that DON’T MATTER. When it’s important, you don’t trust him so you do it.
You can’t be bossy and controlling and then expect your man to be decisive. Personally, I like a decisive man and don’t need to be controlling all the time or be “my own woman.” I’m proud to be HIS woman.
love,
natasha
May 2, 2008 at 8:01 pm
persistentillusion
@ natasha – I am not bossy, just clear about what I expect. He actually appreciated someone who made it clear what they wanted. Since he moved in with me and my brother, he was having to make all the adjustments to a routine he had to learn. Since he had been taking his cues from me, he still did it when it no longer made sense. That’s when I got the red flag.
I never actually told him to do the dishes, I just told him that I don’t do them. After spending 1 hr to 1 1/2 hours doing dishes at my foster home, I would rather cut off my right arm then do that again. I explained that and he was cool with it. It’s not so much a big deal now, but when kids are involved you end up having tons of dishes.
As for driving, I have better offensive driving skills. I learned to drive in Miami and I learned an aggressive style of driving that has no place in NC on a regular basis. So he drives most of the time, because it fits where we are better. It’s not about me telling him that he isn’t a ‘good driver’, we just happened to be in Miami on a deadline. My skills were better for that situation.
Again, telling him where to turn and routes, etc., came from him moving to an unfamiliar part of town to where we were. The fact that it carried over to a place where we had equal knowledge of road layout was the issue.
It wasn’t my intention to portray him as a pushover, because he isn’t. He just wasn’t used to someone as upfront as I am because he had been backing off from most of his girlfriends. (They were not independent and needed to be coaxed into mutual decision making.) Once he realized that I would let him know what I thought, he hasn’t worried about it since.
It took a little relearning but we’re in a great place. Sounds like you and your guy are a tad more conservative than we are, but if that works for you then that’s great. We need more happy marriages in this world.
May 2, 2008 at 8:24 pm
persistentillusion
@ natasha – I also don’t think that one partner has to be meek so the other person can feel strong and decisive. You can build a marriage with two strong, independent people.
May 2, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Natasha
Rereading what I said, I realize it might have sounded offensive. I shouldn’t have used the word bossy because it has negative connotations that I didn’t intend. I should have said “decisive” instead.
The way I see it, there’s nothing wrong with a woman being decisive if that’s her personality. It’s just that a decisive person is more compatible with someone who isn’t decisive. While two decisive people can make a relationship work, it seems like that’s just begging for a lot of arguments. It works much better if one person (whether it be the man or the woman) takes the lead.
The reason I went off like that was because your post seemed like you were sending your husband mixed signals, like, do you really want him to be decisive or not? There’s nothing wrong with you being the leader of the relationship, but if you are (from the post it sounds like you are, though I’m not sure) then you shouldn’t try to change that, because if you are the natural leader, it simply won’t work and you’ll end up with contradictions in your behavior. Decisive people can’t help but take the lead, and they shouldn’t try to.
My husband used to complain about an ex-girlfriend who would ask him which dress she should wear to a party. He would tell her the one he liked then she’d wear the other one. She made it seem like she wanted him to take the lead in making that particular decision (albeit a small one), then change her mind and take the lead herself, leaving him to feel more disrespected than if she’d just made the decision herself in the first place, without asking him at all to begin with.
love,
natasha
May 2, 2008 at 11:39 pm
persistentillusion
@ natasha – I see what you mean.
I find that we use whoever fits the situation best (like the driving example). I manage the household, as well as the shopping and budgeting. He takes care of taxes. Computer stuff is his purview, while handling the remote is mine. So we are both decisive, but we manage different areas of our life.
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